Thank you CSC. I have missed you!!

Of course I still have my music. I have done two gigs in the past 2 weeks and both went really well, what with being told I can make it in the music industry.

I know that I want to do this, it's just a matter of whether I can deal with everything. It doesn't seem like it right now... I have to go shopping today and I don't even know if I can face up to that. I won't be going shopping where I work because they'll be questioning how ill I am or how ill I don't look. I don't know. I would think after 4 days of not eating, it'd show in my face. I feel incredibly tired and lethargic and just like dying would be better than this. Anything would.

I may be going horse riding tomorrow, but I'm not sure. Horse riding makes me feel free and alive again, but I don't know if I'm too weak to ride. I don't think I will be because riding gives me strength and empowerment.

Basically Connor abused me and the other day (as he put it) he screwed me and left with the words "I don't WANT you. I will NEVER want you. You need to get over that." and then he left.

He apologised afterwards but I knew that had come from him truly meaning it so I said to him "Don't you even dare to try turning that back around and try telling me what I want to hear. I know that was the truth and I CAN take it." he didn't say anything after that. Then he came to me with his problems and after that turned it around again and said that we can't ever be together. SIGH!!! Stop confusing meeeee!!!

I'm very ill at the moment so have had to take time off work and each day I am getting weaker and weaker. Everytime I stand up, I get dizzy. If I move while I have the dizzy spell, I collapse. If i don't I am close to collapsing anyway. It's horrible.

Today I have bills to pay, rent to pay and shopping to do. I really don't feel up to it but it has to be done so I'll have to get out of bed soon enough