I haven't been on this forum in a few months. The reason I started coming was to find people who understood how I felt, because the people in my life sometimes have a hard time understanding depression and anxiety.

I stopped coming to the forum because I saw how many, many people have been on here for years and years and some have seen improvement while others haven't. People were going up and down on so many medications with mixed results. It was too exhausting to think that, at age 23, I have the rest of my life to be 'depressed' no matter what I do. It was like receiving a life sentence that I was helpless to do anything about.

I have started seeing a therapist, and on the first day he said to me
"If I told you that I could take away all your problems and bad feelings by stabbing you in the palm with a knitting needle-would you let me?"
My immediate response-without even thinking-"YES!" It surprised me, but the response was automatic. It came from my gut. I knew that slowly but surely, I will be willing to do what it takes to feel better and STAY better. I know that my response would not always have been that automatic. I know that tomorrow, I may not feel like letting him 'stab my hand' and I know that many people on this forum are not at a point where they can confidently say "YES!" We all have to get to this point on our own, and I respect and personally empathize if you are still in your bed, hugging your pillow, because I have been there and I will be there again. But...

Also during this session, I had someone (my T) tell me for the first time (ever) in my life, "You have a real reason to be sad. No wonder you hit rock bottom." No one had ever given me permission to be sad or mad or depressed about my life. People had always tried to convince me that my life was good, or I had so much to be thankful for that I couldn't possibly want to harm myself or end my life. This added to the guilt and depression. I blamed my sadness on myself. "It's my problem, it's my screwed up serotonin receptors or whatever, something is wrong with ME. I need medication/therapy in order to deal with my life." Suddenly, I was given permission to say something different-that my life hasn't been fun for the past 4.5 years, that I hadn't grown up in a home that accepted me for who I was, that I had experienced things that brought me real, deep sadness.

It was like turning the knob of a door you thought was locked, but realizing it had been open all along. And what does it mean? It means that I am going to change my life. I am sad because my life sucks, not because I suck, I can change myself and improve myself but I don't inherently suck. I am going to quit one of my jobs and spend the next few months preparing to quit my other one. I am going to say "no", I am going to exhume the painful memories of my childhood and lay them back to rest after I understand them, I am going to accept that my parents and I are never going to have the "right" kind of relationship and I am going to learn to be myself around them. It is going to take me a while to do this, but wouldn't you rather spend the rest of your life looking up?

This article changed my life, and can explain better what I'm trying to say,

http://www.violentacres.com/archives...y-good-reason/

If you don't want to read it, I'll sum it up for you:

“I learned that I wasn’t sad because there was something wrong with my brain. I learned that I was sad because my life sucked.”

There are plenty of horrible things in our lives that we can do nothing about. We have to learn to see those things as a passing train, over time, after we have given them proper mourning time and been sad for them. But there are also plenty of things that we can change, but often we don't see that as an option.

I have a feeling there are a lot of lovely people here, young and old, who have been convinced by themselves, their friends and family, their doctors, their professors, their bosses that they are the ones who have the problem that needs fixing. Sometimes we are the ones with the problem, and we need to address that. But sometimes we are sad because our life sucks, but LIVES CAN CHANGE.

I leave you with hugs.