my head is still reeling - so glad PC is here to help me see my thoughts.

I *know* T really does want the best for me and she is trying to help me not be so scared of intensive treatment. (with my compartmentalized brain) kiya knows that this is what is needed. but the young parts are so so soooooooo scared. we sit and cry, dissociate waaaaaaaaay far away.

Got another supportive email from T this morning (i'd emailed yesterday to appologize for crying all the time, and even on the phone with her yesterday when she'd given me more info).
"I am sorry it is such a challenging and stressful time for you. I am here, and will be here. We are a community, not only a place people come for 1 on 1 therapy. You can take your time in sorting things out, and even change your mind. (thank you t!!) I would not plan on doing Closure, with a capitol C but closure from one phase and form. It is best, as you are doing to stay with your feelings as you can and communicate, rather than pulling away or shutting down. i think you have been through a lot of changes and that you are overall doing a great job. T"

Aaah praise at long last. Get me to the brink of my fear, and then praise me =)
The "Closure vs. closure" gave me a very small laugh.
Yesterday i did tell her i was afraid; "talk more about that kiya,... if you will..." oy. as she writes down her notes. i still want to always know what is on those notes... those notes feel so powerful. saying something into the air is one thing - seeing them become permant is quite another.
Today was supposed to be laundry day, but I sure don't see that happening. It is already 2pm and i don't know how it got to be that late. I've no energy for going to the laundry mat. Come to that... no quarters either. hmmmmmm.
2nd T checked in via email asking about T's rating me at a 22 on LOCUS; asked if daily living was falling apart because when last she saw me (as another alter with a sardonic friend of mine/ours??/mine...meh) she praised me for doing well in a group setting and thought i appeared stable. Makes me think of a line from some movie "I have people for that!" and plenty of them. with their own fully developed personaity traits to fit into circumstances.
With all this change, that dissociative fog is thickening again as the walls of fear come up. I am tyring to remain calm and i read all your posts again and again to help me through...