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lynn09 · Mar 26, 2010, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by No_longer_sane

I'm sorry for taking up space in the forum, Im sorry for everything. It's back.Not fully yet, but I can feel it. Everything Is triggering. I feel like such a stupid naeve kid. No one stays happy, God and the afterlife aren't real, nothing lasts forever. I'm 15, I shouldn't get my hopes up like that. But then again, Im incredibly stupid and dumb. I don't deserve to be happy, and I shouldve remembered that. I won't ever be helpful, and I can't have children. I WONT!! I won't risk giving them depression too. And having such a useless mum would trigger. I feel maternal as well. I'M 15!!! I'm not meant to be maternal. But I'm just messed up badly. I'm useless, damaged goods. I'm so pathetic, I feel terrified right now, I feel like a baby. For ten minutes Ive just been thinking; "someone please help me, don't let this happen again," over and over. How stupid am I?! I suppose Im just posting this to vent. I should give up now, depression is the only thing that will ever take me.

(((((No longer sane))))) I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful right now, and this is the right time for you to reach out to others here and in your real life for the consolation and support you need. Depression is not a "punishment" inflicted on the unworthy - it is an illness, just like the flu or diabetes, etc. - and it must be diagnosed and appropriately treated and managed just like any other illness. All of the negative thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are merely symptoms of this illness.

Since your brain chemistry is actually altered during depressive episodes, the way your brain functions is altered and, therefore, your perception of yourself and everything else is altered, as well. It's almost like the positive part of your brain has shut down and only the negative part is active. In order for any of us to maintain realistic perceptions of anything, the negative and positive have to both be functioning in order to be balanced. If the positive part only is in control, you end up with unrealistically high hopes and expectations; if the negative part is in control, your perception of yourself and everything else is unrealistically pessimistic - all doom and gloom - which can cause you to demean, belittle, and berate yourself.

Life is not about whether or not you or anyone else "deserves" to be happy, successful, etc., but rather what each of us NEEDS to be healthy, balanced, and productive. Just like you need proper rest, nutrition, and medications in order to recover from the flu, or special treatment to manage a chronic medical illness, depression must also be treated and managed with appropriate rest, nutrition, medications, etc.

You do not punish yourself or others for catching a cold, or the measles, or having appendicitis; neither should you punish yourself or others for having depression. I know that most likely were a friend or family member of yours demeaning and berating themselves just like you are now, you would do all you could to comfort, console, encourage,and support them. This is what we can help to do for you here on PC; this is what family, friends, and medical experts can do for you in real life; and this is what you need to remind yourself to do for yourself during these depressive episodes, as well. I have a little saying that I always try to remember to say to myself during the really tough depressive episodes, "Depression may be my nemesis, but it will never be my master."

By learning what to expect during depressive episodes, developing techniques for coping with the overwhelming negative thoughts and feelings, and getting appropriate medication and other medical and psychological support, you will be better able to manage your depression and even decrease the intensity and duration of these episodes. Be extra gentle with yourself right now because that is what you NEED to get through this crisis and manage your illness. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.lynn09