((((googley))))

How are you doing? I have been reading over and over thinking that so many times and still I ask that question and wonder if I am somehow this project for them to figure out. Not only my t but those in my life that mean so much to me and I think I am sometimes afraid that the other shoe is about to fall at any moment and they will go away yet again. Maybe that is why I had a hard time coming back here. Because what you feel is what I feel so many times yet knowing that if it is not true, I then feel guilty. Adding yet another heap to the already big pile I feel.

When we grew up believing that no cared or that if someone cared it required something of us, it stands to reason that we would question everyone. Why would we feel that a t would be any different than anyone else. And why would they care now when they do not have too when no one did then when they were suppose to? Questions we all ask so many times and the answers somehow come back the same. And even when we try to convince ourselves this is different, somehow it still feels the same at the same time.

I think someone said it that we have to learn to love and accept ourselves. That is something I am still trying to do as I do not know what love is but yet, I know that it is somewhere and I see it sometimes with others. But somehow it slips back through the cracks as I try to hold on to the very idea that it could possibly be true at least for me. But each step I take as I walk through this, somehow the realization of my t and others caring is becoming more of a reality than I maybe want to see because what if it goes away, or what if it hurts me again. I guess I want so much to believe that it is possible that someone could care that maybe I cling to the hope it is true. And in clinging to that hope maybe somehow I can let it in a little at a time until someday it will be something I can grasp.

Know that I hear what you are saying and I validate you. What you feel is real and time will heal that if we allow ourselves to step even for a moment in the hope that someone could care. I hope you know that we care so much about you and are here for you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps