Ok. If you have been following my posts then you will know that things have been a little shakey for me lately but I am doing my best to hold it together.

Well, last night or I should say early this morning around 3 am or so, not exactly sure, I woke up and immediately my mind is racing. I kept thinking, I am going crazy, I am going to die and then my arms, legs, lips started getting tingly. It started getting hard for me to breathe. My first instinct was to jump up outta bed and run downstairs to the living room.....but I didnt. I just layed there. Not exactly sure why I layed there, I just did. Maybe on some level I was testing myself to see if I could "tough it out". Well, I toughed it out as you would say and slowley I began to feel more normal.

I ended up sleeping until about 10 am because I was exhausted. My phone kept ringing off the hook but I wouldnt answer it. Finally after then 10th time I answered the phone and it was my sister.

She asked me why I wasnt answering the phone. I explained what happended and she got all snippy with me. She said that there is no reason why I should be having attacks. She said that I have all that a person could want and that the anxiety is all in my head. I know that isnt true but never the less, being given the third degree when I am already on a fragile state really made me more on edge. I figure that my sister would attempt to understand seeing as though she has had panic attacks in the past.

I am just feeling really unsupported by her. I guess I shouldnt really care. I guess I should be used to her crap by now. I remember she was visiting my mother at the time I was packing to move to TX. My step father said that he and my mother would be by the weekend before we leave to help us pack. Well my sister never came to help. I didnt even want her to help. I just thought she would have come by to say goodbye. She didnt. She didnt even call and she was at my mothers. My sister lives in PA and I never really saw her as it was so I thought, since I was moving to TX she would want to say goodbye. But no, she didnt. And then today. I dont even want to go into everything she said but she really made me feel like a loser. My sister and I endured alot of the same crap growing up so I figure she would understand. I guess not. I dont know. I am rambling and probably not making any sense now. I didnt eat anything all day and I am feeling very weak.

Thanks for listening.