Lynn, thanks for such a thoughtful and helpful response. I checked out the touching post you mentioned- I'm glad they had a good first meeting! I am sorry about your father. Cancer is common around here, unfortunately, and I lost my grandmother to it. We were really close. As for dads- I know it's hard not having a dad, sometimes. I know you must feel cheated, being the only sibling without memories of him. I was lucky in a way, because I did have a relationship with my father for several years of my childhood- a positive one, actually. But the fact that it was positive, also made his decision to abandon me more painful and confusing.

Thankfully, there wasn't any abuse. However, there has been some anger on my part, being so unceremoniously, finally, and abruptly dumped for a reason that I have yet to discern. My father and I were once very close, I thought we had a wonderful relationship, and that he loved me. As you can imagine, that made it confusing when, before I was a teenager, he cut off all contact with me and hasn't spoken to me or seen me since. There was never a goodbye, nor an explanation. And not having an explanation has been the most difficult part. I have wanted the answer to that question for years.

I think you had good advice when you said to "...keep the letter short, simple and totally postitve." I also agree I shouldn't rehash all of the past. My 17 page document tore the past apart, and I listed all my grievances. I have decided not to send that, in light of him not being in the best health. It doesn't seem as important now, to get everything off my chest. I think I can live with never telling him some of the things I've held in side. If he were in better health, I would want to say those things, but right now, it seems inappropriate and more destructive than anything. I am surprised that I feel able to let that go, but picking a fight with him does seem so trivial in light of everything.

I really want to know why, though. I think, if he died, and I never bawled him out or called him on every bad thing he did, I would be fine with not showing him that anger- in fact, if the only time I have to do it is when he's sick, I'd rather never do it. Yet, if he died, and I never knew why, I am afraid it will bother me throughout the rest of my life. My guess is, he didn't love me, he quit loving me, or he never loved me enough. Yet, the man I knew seemed to love me. I need to know if he left me because he didn't love me enough to keep our relationship going. I know I will ask him why, so that I don't have to live with the frustration I hold over this unanswered question now, for the rest of my life, knowing that he can no longer answer it. I just don't know whether I should put it in the letter, or hope that he will talk to me or see me, so I can ask him during our conversation. I will prob. try to put it nicely in the letter, in the least threatening way possible, and not put too much focus on it. Thanks for your advice! I will try to remember to post on here, about how it went.