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Mar 27, 2010, 02:25 PM
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Member Since: Dec 2009
Location: Southestern Canada
Posts: 291
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lynn09
   (((((Rebecca))))) I can really relate to what you are saying here. I grew up in an extremely abusive home. I was rarely allowed to have friends over, or attend school dances and parties, or date, etc. Also, being noticed by anyone in my family was never a good thing, so I tried my best to be as invisible as possible, and my only real focus was staying alive until I was of legal age and could leave without fearing reprisal. So, when I first got out of that house, I really didn't have any social skills either - I always felt awkward and out of place around others - wasn't good a small talk - all of my childhood friends and classmates told me that I was "too different," and I've heard it throughout my adulthood, as well.
When I left home at 18, I moved into the dorms at the university then later on into an apartment with 3 other girls that I had grown up with - it was extremely uncomfortable for me - I wasn't used to interacting with others or being "noticed." One night my roommates had a party at our apartment - there were a lot of people there and I knew very few of them. I was sitting on the floor with my back to the wall observing everyone literally frozen with fear just wanting to disappear, escape - couldn't breathe, couldn't swallow, couldn't speak, couldn't move afraid that I would say or do something to embarrass myself in front of all those people. I felt like everyone must have gotten the "rule book" except me because I just didn't understand how they all knew how to interact with others so easily.
I was looking around the room and noticed a girl sitting in a chair on the other side of the room from me; when I saw the expression on her face and noticed the way she was sitting, it was like looking in a mirror - she looked like how I felt and was absolutely terrified and frozen, too. I knew what agony I was in and realized that she was probably in the same agony and my heart just broke for her because I didn't want anyone to ever feel like I did. I looked at the floor and counted how many steps I would have to take to get to the other side of the room. I took a deep breath, stood up, and crossed the room keeping my gaze riveted on her and blocking out everyone around me - I didn't want to know if anyone noticed me - I made them invisible. I sat down on the arm of the girl's chair and choked out the words, "Hi, I'm Lynn. What's your name?" I was in a full-blown anxiety attack - heart pounding, dizzy, ears ringing, lungs collapsing. The look on her face was first shock then relief as the terror in her eyes disappeared.
She smiled, told me her name, said she didn't really know anyone there very well, wasn't good at interacting socially, was so relieved that someone had finally spoken to her because she just could not initiate a conversation with people she didn't know and had been paralyzed and frozen to that chair ever since she arrived. My anxiety was relieved a bit, but I was still panicked about what to say - so I turned my focus completely on her - on how to make her feel welcome and comfortable then just got her to continue talking about herself.
This was and still is the KEY, Rebecca - I concentrated on doing for her the things I knew would make me feel at ease - the things that I wished others would do to make me feel welcome and comfortable - acknowledged her presence, showed a genuine interest in her as a person, listened to what she had to say, etc. I became less and less self-conscious (less aware of myself; less focused on myself) because I didn't have to think of something to say - all I had to do was listen - I just asked her questions and as she answered, my mind came up with other questions and comments in response. Eventually we even talked about our mutual "social phobia" problem and had a good laugh at ourselves.
That was the beginning - that's when my perspective began to change - instead of worrying about fitting in "everybody else's world," I began focusing on whether or not others fit in my world - and that's what began to create my world - focusing more on who I choose to be. You speak of your cowardice, being dominated by fear, not strong enough to face your fears - but the strength and courage to face your fears and free yourself from fear's domination is only developed by facing your fears a little at a time - just like exercising a muscle - repeatedly exposing the muscle to the stress of exercise. Each time you face a fear you become a little stronger, a little more courageous, and better able to confront and conquer the next fear. This doesn't happen overnight - it's a process.
Among human beings, there are more similarities than differences; i.e., those of us with mental illnesses have pretty much the same emotional needs as everyone else - differing in degree, but not in kind. You can be relatively certain that there are many other people experiencing similar emotions, self-doubts, needs, etc., as you. Just treat other people the way you want others to treat you - be kind, respectful, considerate, compassionate, patient - be a good listener - be interested in them - be more focused on them than yourself. Think about what questions you would want others to ask you, then ask others those same questions about them. The only way to understand social conventions is by repeatedly engaging in social interactions. Knowing the right thing to say or do is a skill that is learned through observation and participation, and refined through practice.
You say that "If you're a ghost, nothing can touch you. You can't be hurt;" and "I haven't been able to convince myself that the potential for joy outweighs the potential for pain." In social interactions, there is always the risk of pain, as well as the potential for joy; but by fleeing, hiding, and isolating yourself, there is a 100% chance of perpetually inflicting the pain of loneliness on yourself, and absolutely no chance at all for joy.
Hopefully, something here can make it easier for you to find a place to start. I think you'll find out that you're stronger than you know. lynn09 |
Lynn09...
This is by far the most amazing reply to this thread ~ erased ~ and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for it.
You hit me square in my brain with it.
May I use it to give to a friend who needs to see it too? Awesome advice .. great wisdom ... thanks so much
Insignificant other
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