(((darkrunner))) Thanks for your reply. I think the emotional effects are the hardest. I struggle a lot with accepting affection.. I hate to be touched, hate people in my personal space, and hate that I feel that way. I wish I could give and receive hugs and kisses freely, without feeling freaked out. In some ways if he had been more abusive and caused me bodily harm, it would be easier to separate abuse from loving affection. Maybe it's strange to wish for worse abuse. I just wish it was easier to separate is all.

I did report him, and that's what I've been feeling guilty about. I told when I was 15 because my sister told me he did the same thing to her and I couldn't let that happen to my little sister. At that age I was pretty sure it was bad what he was doing (but only when I thought about my sister.. still can't apply it to me for whatever reason). I wrote a note to a teacher and the teacher called the Department of Children and Families, who investigated the case. They ended up telling us it was my word against his and they couldn't do anything about it, but they told my parents not to let my grandfather over anymore. They didn't let him over when I was living there, but now that I am gone they do. They just kept him out to keep me from making any more fuss, not because they believed me. I am worried about my nieces but my brother apparently believes me and is trying to watch for it, but he can't keep his eye on them at every moment they are at my parents', you know? And he needs someone to watch them on the weekends right now.

((((dps))))) I'm sorry you went through something like I went through. I was somewhat the same as you.. I did think something was up just because he seemed so scared and weird when he was doing these things. But then I guess I convinced myself it was normal, the way adults treated kids they really, really liked.. or something. That grandpas usually kissed their grandkids and had them sit on their laps, so what was I complaining about?

I think I might tell my T about my concerns for my nieces. Maybe I will tell her next session. My brother is already trying to watch for it and I don't think talking to him is going to help. And I am definitely not talking to my sister-in-law; we're not close. I don't know who else to tell besides T. There's not really anyone else. Well, there's everyone here. I don't know what I would do without PC.

((((WePow)))) Yes, I think I need someone to help me carry this sack of crap. Maybe turn it into fertilizer? That seems like a goal that is impossible to reach, but I'm trying to never give up hope.