((((((((((((MU))))))))))))))))

T won't be disappointed in you, but he might be sad for you, yknow? pdoc keeps telling me i am strong and brave, and so i'm scared sometimes to tell him things which i think are a poor reflection on my strength/bravery. but pdoc has never been disappointed in me - he says i'm strong and brave and resilient because i've come so far, and that sometimes when i lapse in judgement it's not a reflection on me, but the situation i'm in and how prolonged it has been.

i am sure T will still admire you and think you're strong. if you talk about this, however, it'll just help you learn a bit more about yourself (you've already identified some reasons - feeling desirable, familiarity & comfort, feeling pressured etc) and also help you find other ways to help you continue being strong.

i'm sorry you're in so much pain right now, sweetie .