Thanks everyone for your support....

This morning, I'm feeling even worse about last night...just not knowing what's going to come of it...if my ex will expect more, if I will crave more, if I will do more...

Or if I will be able to come to my senses and realize that this is unhealthy for me....

For this last year, I have been trying to work on me....and having a man in my life seems so far out of reach. I have MAJOR issues with touch and don't see myself as attractive or desireable.

And last night, I felt like it was inevitable that I would just be with my ex because that's as close to comfortable as I can imagine being...I can't imagine being with anyone else...when he kissed me, it felt right - even though I believe it's so so wrong.

Knowing that I let that line be crossed last night after a YEAR of pushing him away helps me feel like it's going to be THAT much harder to move in a different direction....like, my ex will know that his persistence paid off...the whole intermittent reinforcement theory that my T talked about...

There are times when I KNOW that being with him will just induce more craziness and make it harder for us to move in separate directions...and then there are other times, when I'm feeling weak, that I think, "oh, there's nothing wrong with a booty call every now and then"...

UGH.

Thanks for letting me share. I am just struggling with this.

And worse yet, I am feeling this overwhelming urge to confess to T NOW instead of having to wait until Thursday. It's just eating away at me....I have group on Tuesday, and I'm not sure I want to share there - especially since we're welcoming some new members. I could put it on the blog...but I don't know....ACK.

I just hate the anticipation of how T will react....And then, if he doesn't show disappointment - then I'd wonder if he's just putting on a therapist cover to encourage that I can be accepted..but still is disappointed in me, without telling me.