Here I go again................sitting here bawling at the computer. I am so glad that I found this site and you guys to take the edge off.

I'm so tired of going up and down in this relationship, one minute happy and hopeful, the next minute upset and worried. One little thing and it flips my whole world upside down. I am so nervous all of the time, just cannot trust that he will keep loving me and not forget about me. We have had hour after hour of discussions face-to-face where I can see he genuinely loves me, but then the separation comes and I can't live with it. Can love really hold out over beautiful foreign strangers, I'm just not sure.

When I left I almost wished that I wouldn't see him just long enough to get over him so that it wouldn't be so painful. Because when I see him again, it just brings it back home how much I hate to be without him. And sure enough he is coming to work here and will be here just long enough to have another painful goodbye too soon.

I have told him in the past that I don't know if I'm worth him trying so hard anyway. I have never been able to trust in a relationship and in the past I have been the one to distrust. I feel constant compulsions to check up on him; of course, the more I do it, the worse I feel the need. But I have tried for long periods not to do this and been very successful, then one day, something pops into my head and here I go again. I've almost just begged him to cut me loose because there is no way that I can let him go. I love him too much, but then again maybe I would just have the guts to walk away if I did. I'm so unsure of myself. Do I really love anything? If I did, I wouldn't do these things, right? Why do I feel crazy all the time and why do I constantly wonder about things I shouldn't and feel like I must find out just to get that relief?

I can't stop being angry and sad and questioning, then hopeful and walking on clouds (very short time usually), then to almost suicidal. I just want to have a stable mood!!!!

Maybe I should not entertain the notion of romantic relationships, because when I'm not emotionally involved, I have truly had a better outlook on life.