I've been trying to figure out what exactly is making it hard to believe her. Part of it seems to be that she is avoiding saying straight out that she cares. She kindof hedges. I want her to say that she doesn't care about me just because it is her job to. That feels too much like I'm paying her to care about me.

I tried to go back to when I first really felt that I couldn't trust her. At what point did her words not provide a reassurance. I think it was the first time I called her and she didn't call me back because she forgot to check her messages all weekend. I hardly ever call T. My last T I called maybe three times in the three years I saw her. So I only do it when desperate and don't do it often. The one time I really needed her and she wasn't there. Even though she said that I should call her if I needed to. I understand that Ts make mistakes. But I feel like this broke something. This broke something that hasn't been repaired. I don't know how to repair it. So on top of my feelings of unworthiness, is a lack of trust. I don't trust people easily. I've been hurt too many times. Hurt by people I should have been able to trust. And now it feels like I've just been let down by another person I should be able to trust. I trusted her with scary things. Things I can't take back. I trusted her because that was the only way I was going to be able to deal with my ****. And now I just don't know why I did that. Why was I stupid enough to trust again? Don't I have enough examples of where that got me? It would have been different if she had said that she did not often return phone calls. But she didn't. She encouraged me to call. And now I don't know that I can trust what she says. I feel like something broke. Something inside of me broke and I don't know how to fix it. And I'm scared to bring it up.