I think you are being too hard on yourself about the way you decided to share this. Maybe this was a way to put a screen between you and T upon the first disclosure of this, but it also was your way of deciding to face it. You ARE facing it. And maybe your group will have some good help for you.

When I hear that you say in the past you have resorted to meds and SI when you felt this way, and you can't think of other coping.. that sounds like you're on the path to meds and SI with nothing to help you fight the urges. Have you and T ever gone over coping strategies that work for you so you don't have to resort to self-destruction? Is there any way you can hide your meds and any SI tools away so you can't use them right now? Give them to someone for safe keeping? Can you take a long bath? Watch a funny movie? Read? Have a conversation with your daughter? Spend time with your daughter, doing crafts, watching a movie, or maybe going out? Also you could look at the sticky in the SI forum on what to do instead of SI.. You are fighting these urges but you need weapons to fight with.. something you can use. I understand if coping strategies don't normally work. It's like being handed a weapon you don't know how to use. Or being given a slingshot but no rock. There's got to be a weapon somewhere that works for you, that will work for you right now.

Many, many hugs MUE.