Quote:
Originally Posted by WePow
((((((((((( googley )))))))))))))
We totally understand it when you say you feel like something broke. Oh boy do we ever understand that.
What helped me through that feeling was really choosing for my own benifit to see the theraputic relationship as a business situation instead of a personal situation. ((I know it gets personal - but I had to change my point of view for MY benifit in this case.)) In a personal friendship, I would not have allowed myself to re-trust my T after feeling the "broken" stuff. It is my way of keeping people at a "safe" emotional distance. And it is why I do not have many friends IRL. But that is ok for now.
As a business relationship, I decided I need to allow my T some extra wiggle room with the old trust buzzer. I have a NEED to trust my T. And I do not want to start all over with someone else. So it was in my best interest to just chalk up what I did not like as an incident. I saw it with the same distance that I would if my mechanic had left the cap off the oil thing. :-) It was hard for me to make that analogy and allow myself to move forward, but that choice was in my best interest long term. So I did it.
Somehow just by seeing it from that slightly different point of view, it made it easier to no longer feel the "broke" stuff. If that makes any sense at all.....
Big hugs!!
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WePow- I can definitely see where you are coming from and thank you for the suggestion. I don't think that is going to work for me.
TRIGGER WARNING- Suicidal ideation mentioned.
The thing for me is that I have trouble with the business side of it. When I was in high school my mom would yell at me about making us poor (we were not) because I needed to see a T and get meds from a pdoc. As I feel I have so few people in my life that care about me, (at least who ever go out of their way to contact me rather than me contacting them) I need to feel like T cares about me. And it has to feel like T cares about me because I am me, not because I pay her to care. Not because it is her job to care and she is fulfilling that responsibility. I feel like if she only cares about me because I pay her to care, then what is the point? If I need to pay someone to care about me, then the thoughts I fight about everyone being better off without me around are right. If no one cares about me IRL, the why am I here? Why am I in school (spending lots of money in loans) learning how to help others, if no one cares about me? I don't want to sound selfish. But I need help too. If no one can care about me then what is the point? I'll just end up burning out. I feel like if my T doesn't care, what hope do I have of anyone else caring. And it's not about the words, because I can hear the words and know what she means. It is about the belief.