This is a story about my mom.

I was adopted by my mom/dad when they were 45 and 62 respectfully. My dad, a drinker and smoker, died when I was 6 (he was 69) because of his health. My mom then took care of me from that point forward. She also took car of her mother (was in her 80s and 90s) as well.

She didn't look into a male relationship at all during this time. She felt that they were not going to bring anything to her or would be out after her money. It is the hermit style life that were mentioned here in a few posts. She's 85 now, living alone. I moved out after college in 1987 and live about 400 miles away.

I asked her the other day "what if I wasn't with you - would you have gotten re-married?" She said yes, she would have. I was slightly put-off by that - I needed a father figure and would have enjoyed that myself. I also would think she might have been able to find someone a bit more appropriate for her than my dad was. She definitely deserved it but chose not to get close after he left us. She rarely showed signs of missing him or being lonely.

This had rubbed off on me, of course. My relationship skills are limited but I do get along with many people. I just don't reach out for them. They come to me, I give them time and they enjoy my time. But I don't push myself on others. It really comes down to how I learned to "be with people" from being raised as a single child with a socially limited mother who didn't nurture my bonding skills. She was "fine" on all fronts except for helping me learn to be a nurturer.

Fast forward to today. I'm married, two great kids, biggest marital problem is my ability to get close, to give my personality fully to my wife. On top of that, I end up feeling judged quite a bit by those close to me (as my mom did).

Learning to get close without fear of being hurt seems to be to be based on how comfortable you can be in becoming vulnerable. Some ideas to work in this area include:
- go shopping and intently talk to strangers
- get a 1-hour hair appointment going and talk with the stylist the whole time
- go to club and organizations you enjoy
- go to a nude beach and talk with strangers
- get close with friends, talk about intimate things
- allow for others to love you for you, start with dating but make sure you have boundaries which help define how you manage your end of the relationship
- allow to be hurt but don't take it personally
- enjoy everyone out there -- even those who hurt you
- give more than you receive & enjoy giving
- forgive others

- John