Quote:
Originally Posted by jexa
I think you are being too hard on yourself about the way you decided to share this. Maybe this was a way to put a screen between you and T upon the first disclosure of this, but it also was your way of deciding to face it. You ARE facing it. And maybe your group will have some good help for you.
When I hear that you say in the past you have resorted to meds and SI when you felt this way, and you can't think of other coping.. that sounds like you're on the path to meds and SI with nothing to help you fight the urges. Have you and T ever gone over coping strategies that work for you so you don't have to resort to self-destruction? Is there any way you can hide your meds and any SI tools away so you can't use them right now? Give them to someone for safe keeping? Can you take a long bath? Watch a funny movie? Read? Have a conversation with your daughter? Spend time with your daughter, doing crafts, watching a movie, or maybe going out? Also you could look at the sticky in the SI forum on what to do instead of SI.. You are fighting these urges but you need weapons to fight with.. something you can use. I understand if coping strategies don't normally work. It's like being handed a weapon you don't know how to use. Or being given a slingshot but no rock. There's got to be a weapon somewhere that works for you, that will work for you right now.
Many, many hugs MUE.
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Thanks, jexa.....I guess I could've made the choice not to face it at all - with T or group....so, perhaps there is some courage there that I'm just not seeing at the moment....something inside me that knows that I need to do this in order to get to where I need to be...
T and I have never talked about coping mechanisms. He advocates facing the issues, going through the emotions and working through them - and encourages me to reach out to him when I'm in crisis, so he can schedule an earlier/emergency session for me. I feel so silly though considering this a "crisis".
I do think I need to talk to him about coping strategies when he is not available...He does want me to build up an adequate support system around me....I don't quite have that yet. I have a really close friend who I know would support me - but I don't want to face her being disappointed with me. I know she will be....Ugh.
I am still fighting the unhealthy urges....but I am pretty confident that I will not SI....mainly because of the fear of having to then tell T about it afterwards. I would feel such a sense of shame and weakness...I cannot bear the thought of doing that in addition to what I've already done....
I just have this overwhelming feeling that I deserve to be punished, to be hurt, for "being bad"...and this probably stems from my childhood with my parents being physically abusive.
UGH.