i dont want to go back. i know im wasting his time. i went in there today wanting to talk about stuff, i'd even ordered it in importance in my head, but i got there and he started his question routine and i just clammed up. are you eating, how many hours are you sleeping, are you getting out of the apartment, how have you been feeling, can you tell me more feelings etc. and i just sat there feeling worse and worse until the things i wanted to talk about didnt seem important anymore.

i told him to stop with the 20 questions and so he said, "ok, just one question" and asked me something i dont remember but it was beside the point - it was still him putting me on the hotseat. and i tried to tell him that so he said what did i want to talk about and that he would sit there in silence until i was ready to tell him something and then he could respond. and then i started crying and that's when he told me he found it hard to connect to me. and he said it's because i hold everything back but how could i start talking when he'd just said that?

i had been looking forward to this session because i needed it and i just feel like it made everything worse.