thank you, impy, for your whole post. i know i was being difficult in today's session; it would have been fair if he had said "i'm finding it hard to connect with you today", because i was incredibly closed off. but instead he said it as a general thing - he always finds it difficult to connect with me, he doesn't find this with his other clients, he finds it difficult to read me etc.
this all came up in the context of me saying how lonely i felt when i was crying, and then being surprised when i reflected & realised i'd actually met up with friends every day last week. my explanation was that the depression was preventing me from immersing myself in the relating fully - there was a disconnect, i couldn't keep it up for long - and he asked me had it always been like this and i said yes, and that's when he said he found it hard to connect with me so he suspected everyone always had. i tried to correct myself - said when i said 'always' i meant 'always when i've been depressed' - not always & forever, but he ignored that. when i'm not depressed i have no problem connecting to people. i remember one guy a few years ago said i was the most popular girl in the class, and other people agreed, and it made me blush because i've never thought of myself as popular. i know i'm no good at forming longlasting relationships - i've never been good at that, depressed or not - but i didn't think i had a problem getting people to like me, to form a superficial sort of connection with.
but maybe the problem is that i'm good at forming 'happy' connections, and not good at forming 'vulnerable' connections. and austin-t only gets the vulnerable stuff, and i'm fiercely protective of that
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imapatient
You've done incredible in the past few months--
passing uni,
getting to honours,
your promotion and job recognition (and raise),
moving out/in,
handling your trip abroad well (a very big deal involving multiple, new, and massive adjustments socially, personally, etc.),
handling med changes,
handling dodo-brain pdoc and his recent professional failings and sticking up for yourself,
doing a great job with some of the family difficulties and severe stress that have arisen,
handling friend/roommate issues......
in addition to usual things like going to work.....
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thank you for this, impy. i'm touched that you remember this stuff about me - i never expect anyone to. and seeing it all like this does make me feel i've done some good. thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunrise
The badgering would have the same effect on me, deli. I wish you could establish a different routine with him so he doesn't do that 20 questions thing. Do you think he realizes how offputting it can be?
Deli, I hope you don't give up on austin-T and think his inconsistent behavior means you are somehow at fault. I think he really messed up. I hope pdoc will have some insight and can provide encouragement.
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it's a relief to hear it would have the same effect on you, sunny. i keep thinking i must be defective because apparently he does this with every client, and presumably their ok? austin-t always starts off every session the same way: "what is the date", "how many hours sleep are you getting", "are you eating", "are you eating - tell me honestly" (i havent had disordered eating behaviour whilst with him, i wonder why he always thinks i'm lying?), "have you exercised since i last saw you", and finally "tell me how you've been feeling over the past week".
ive tried telling him previously not to bother asking me the date as i'm never going to answer correctly (i rarely bother to remember what it is) but he insists on doing it and it's become something that irks me - i say "i dont know" now even when sometimes i do. like, feck off - if my baseline %correct for the date is zero, it's a poor indicator of changes in my mental state anyway.