oh, silly . you're one of my favourite people here, i'm always so grateful & pleased when you post. in fact, sometimes when you don't reply i tell myself it's because you must be fed up with me (despite all possibilities indicating you haven't seen my thread/have nothing to say/don't care etc).

so we must be super awesome mindreaders together .

yes, i understand what you're saying here. i think the problem is that (right now) i'm doing the "getting worse" all by myself and so i need someone else's help to do the "getting better". sometimes i fall into a melancholy depression - see/hear things, have cognitive difficulties, lose extreme amounts of weight - this doesn't happen often (maybe 3 times in the past five years?) but it's happening now. i know the losing weight thing only happens when i'm falling into the abyss - the hallucinations/cognitive difficulties sometimes happen just when i'm stressed - so i've been panicked the past week because i've been plummeting despite my best efforts to eat heaps of food. i hate my body at the best of times, but by god i've hated it more when it got so skinny it started growing fur.

so i need help right now, and i'm feeling desperate. i get that with some things (e.g., trauma) it feels worse before it feels better. i really, really get that. but this is one of those situations where i need it to feel better now because i'm so scared i'm going to be in a position again where pdoc asks me to consider ECT.

but i also hear you when you say austin-t probably didn't come from a place of not caring or wanting to help. i know he wishes i'd just be more open with him and that way he could do his job. but he's got a bullish way of showing it.

i understand what you're saying, and when i have tried to quit (with pdoc) in the past i'm always glad he's called me in for a session. but i havent really been doing anything with austin-t this year - no more uni stuff, and i've been skirting around everything else - so there's a sense in which i'm just wasting time and there isn't anything unresolved to tie up. he doesn't like me, it's ok, and ive been thinking of quitting for some time anyway. for different (not altogether valid) reasons, admittedly, but nevertheless i've wanted to quit & have even brought it up before. the last time i said it he said he didn't want me to (although of course he'd respect my choice) because he was worried i'd stop trying to get better. i didnt do the "im quitting" thing as a test or anything, but the fact is he doesn't care this time if i come back or not. fair enough (i dont need him to want me back) but it means im not wasting my time and effort seeing him next week, especially when it involves money i could spend on something else instead.

thank you lily . i love that you took the time to post. thank you