Good morning Dfendr ,

Your struggles must be overwhelming, I won't pretend to completely understand since I'm a bit of an extrovert; however, I've had some life experiences that may be useful in your situation.

At 14 I was a migrant worker, a fresh immigrant to the US, working 14 hour days in the hot sun (110-115 degrees daily) picking garlic, tomatoes, grapes, onion, lettuce and other vegetables and fruits. It was a hard life... and it was a meaningless one at that. I felt hopeless, helpless and depressed all the time... it seemed as if my life was an endless disaster, from the day I was born we lived under a violent dictatorship when I was young, so that made things a bit worse.

One day, I began to hatch a plan of how I was going to escape my life and it took me three tries and 2 years before I succeeded. It was a plan that i needed (not one I would suggest now since the world has changed since then), and it may also be this that you need, otherwise you'll continue to feel isolated and alone.

Starting today, develop a 3-5 point plan (I love plans since they give us hope and direct our otherwise disoriented energy). Your plan could look something like this:

• Volunteer 1-3 days per week at the local Humane Society, or library, or church, or soup kitchen. It just takes an hour for each time
• No matter how painful, join a club-- any club, the underwater ballet one, the basket weaving one, any community club that requires you to be engaged with others and especially one that won't allow you to escape easily your anxieties
• Every day, take a 30 minute walk in your community, as you walk, make it a point to greet no less than 5 people pleasantly, look them in the eye, smile and say hello, nothing more is necessary
• Invite a friend over or visit a friend or even mild acquaintance once per week (but don't discuss your issues)- better yet, why not meet for coffee weekly in a small cafe
• Avoid isolated places like the library or anywhere where you can remain alone so as not to experience anxiety-- use this time instead to be outside with others. Your next visit to the library could be to get the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People"-- an excellent read and very, very eye opening. Do the exercises he suggests w/o fail and you'll soon see your life change.
• Begin planning ways for you to become more involved outside, with others, and follow through... actually, muscle thru no matter what. This muscling thru will slowly begin to override your anxieties. It will be most difficult, but it can be done.

By the way, congrats on your first success. Several more of these and you'll begin to experience a certain freedom and completeness. Good luck and I hope this helps,
Anush