thanks, pachy, that's reassuring. i keep wondering why it upsets me so, seems to throw me off, but i think it's enough to know other ppl get put off too, so it's not something super-weird to just do with "me".

edit: triggers for abuse stuff. apparently this has taken me an hour to write & others have replied in the meantime. will get to replying to those soon.

this connecting thing. it stinks. mum used to tell me always, and her actions bore it out, that i was a "very difficult person to love" and that she "only tried because she was mother". feels like the exact same thing austin-t said; i know he wouldn't try unless it was his designated role to do so.

mum never liked me. a) i don't think she wanted to be pregnant when she did fall pregnant and b) she said i never needed her in a way that my sisters did. e.g., if the door slammed i wouldn't cry, whereas my middle sister would take hours to console. so mum said she always protected my middle sister more, because she was more precious and i didn't need anyone.

dad used to beat me up sometimes, pretty bad. so did mum too, but maybe it wasn't as bad because she didn't fly into a rage like dad did - she just did it as a matter of course (your room is messy, you're running late for school, didn't get 100% for your homework, your middle sister is crying & you're to blame etc - it always happened with mum, with dad it was less frequent but more angry). when i was 13/14 or so, dad started using knives - before then it was just punching/pushing/belts/throwing things at me. in a way it was better because i ended up less bruised - he never actually hurt me with them - but he used to hold them up against my throat or point it into my stomach and cut through my jumper just to show me he could. australia can get ridiculously hot, but i always wore layers and layers of thick clothes at home. it was ok though, because i also started cutting, so no one found out for a long time. and the cutting was good for me because it meant that dadn't couldn't do anything worse than what i'd already done to myself. unless he killed me, of course, but that would've been ok too because at least then i'd be dead.

but it did scare me and i tried asking mum for help. i felt so down on myself for asking, too - deli did everything by herself, and here i was having to humble myself and ask mum for help. she sat me down when i was 12 - first day of high school - told me she'd wasted enough time being my mum and that it was my fault she'd "neglected" her other children, so now i had to look after myself and stay in my room. so i stopped having a mum when i was 12, really. if i wanted one i had to be the mature one - ask her how her day was, what her troubles were at work, etc. and i did because at least i had a mum. but it hurt me to be the kid and have to ask mum for help when i finally did. but she told me he was my father and i was big enough to deal with it on my own; i should sort it out with him. i used to point out that she would do it for my middle sister - just when he yelled (he never was physical with her) - but she said my middle sister needed protecting and that i was a hard person to love. i was allowed to stay in her house because i was her daughter, and she would always clothes and feed me, but other than that she didnt know what she had done wrong to deserve a useless and unloveable creature like me.

dad always said we need to stick together because no one would love me like he did. and i didn't use to believe him, surely i was going to grow up and have friends and partners who loved me, but it turns out he was right. and now i've moved out and i've cut off the one person who did love me. sure it was messy and complicated, and yes i had to ***** myself to him at times, but the times when it was good felt uncomplicated and made me feel like "this is nice". maybe i would be angry with him if there was someone else around who thought i was worthwhile, but there never was, and because i'm hard to connect with i dont think there ever will be (amongst other reasons).

i miss so much not having someone around who thinks i'm significant. if i didnt have dad growing up i would've had no one, so i'm lucky he was around, even if some of it was bad. i keep hating myself for moving out because i'm the one who severed the connection. and austin-t says im hard to connec with and guesses i always have been and therefore everyone else perceives me this way, and mum would agree, and pdoc has agreed in the past so i just feel like im fatally flawed. nothing loveable about deli. and if there isnt anything loveable then it makes sense that all the bad stuff happened, because you dont treat as precious something that isnt.