Wow, {{{{{{kindred spirits!!}}}}} I thought I was the only one who had a sister that isn't close with me. Here's my sister story:

It used to bother me that my sister doesn't return my calls. It used to bother me that I only talk to her when she has a two minute spot to squeeze me in while she's running from the gym to her car, or the car to her friend's door. It used to bother me when she'd say, "I have Christmas gifts for you. I just need to find boxes for them and I'll mail them soon" and nothing ever came. It hurt me when she would pass judgement on me or act condescending toward me. I used to wake up in the middle of the night crying and wondering what I had done wrong and why my sister didn't want a relationship with me! That went on for years. Then after reading a few great self-help books, I decided that I could make peace with this. I decided to just accept this situation with as much lovingkindness as I can muster. So I sent her a heartfelt letter that said things like, "I would love to have a closer relationship with you. I would love to talk with you once a week on the phone and e-mail now and then. But I only want it to happen if it feels authentic for you. If not, I accept that with no resentment. I will always be here with my heart wide open. I understand that we are not alike in many ways. I understand that you have an extremely busy life and you're not really a "phone person". I hereby accept you exactly as you are and I realize that it is not my place to change you or try to make you be more present in my life. So if we only speak once a year, I will cherish that conversation as I cherish having you as my sister. I love you."

I then made sure I did not set any unrealistic expectations (i.e., ooh, I bet she'll read this letter and want to call me every week). I was able to release all expectations and toxic worry, including my intense need to "win" my sister and get her into my life on a regular basis. Now, I call her once in a while, write her an e-mail now and then, and like I promised her, I am always genuinely delighted when she calls, even if it's only twice a year.

One of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned was this one with my baby sister. I learned that we just cannot put expectations on people. Sorry if I sound like a self-help book... it's just that it was such a valuable and life-affirming lesson to learn.

Anyway, the other thing I decided to do to fill the void, was to choose a "sister of choice" from my circle of girlfriends. I chose my friend Rachel because we are a lot like sisters. We can get along great and be really supportive one minute, and the next minute we're having a disagreement. It works!

So, thanks for sharing your sister stories. I hope there comes a day when we are all sitting by the fire with our sister next to us, having meaningful conversation over a cup of tea. But if not, then we get to eat all the cookies...

Love to all of you, my online sisterhood!

Kelly