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Junerain said:
You have a lot of insight into your problems, and insight shows you know yourself and your relation to yourself is growing..do you journal? I go to an online journal aboutmylife.net and I write..you guessed it about my life!! I agree you could be writer and maybe a journal will help what's deep down emerge into the light, where it can be seen and understood..I know what you mean when you wrote about your therapist's response and you so wanted it to be different that's hard, I reada book where you become your OWN therapist then the response is exactly as you want and desire. I was raped too and it helps to talk and or write about it, you are brave. I know what you mean about the life you desire deep down I always try to battle with life, LIFE STOP THAT EMERGE THIS WAY NOT THAT WAY..it is sad that you may never get the life you truly want deep down but there is a chance you still will. I just had to respond to your post it also touched me deep down. Thank you for just being you.

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Wow, I'd hoped when I published this piece that someone would be able, in some small measure, to understand what I wrote. I never dreamt that so many people would be able to directly relate to what I had to share. I'm digging, when I can handle it, into the damaged areas of my life, working very, very hard on healing.

I "prefer the tactile sensation" of writing in a notebook much of the time and as such go through something like three or four 200 page composition books a year. I have quite a collection going back a ways that one day, will make it into a book. I'm actually working on an article for a magazine, you know one of those RUN FOR your life from these kind of people types . . .

My new life, well I'm working hard on something, I'm just not at all certain what it will be and am concerned about the time frames involved. I gave my ex a decade of my life, a good decade and at this point my biological clock has run out. Even if I were to heal completely in the next two years, I wouldn't be ready, or able to find someone to share my life and heart with there simply isn't time.

I don't have all the answers, but based on normal human statistics I have maybe three or four decades ahead of me before I take a trip to the summerland. In the grand sheme of things that isn't all that much, especially when you consider how quickly life moves. I remain hopeful, but I'm trying to be realistic.

My sister, who has been dealing with many of the same things I am for quite sometime has decided my therapist is either oblivious or stupid. Stupid can be fixed, oblivious means she has to be replaced and I'm not looking forward to the later, and well the former doesn't encourage me much either. If she's stupid, well it means she doesn't have much of a background in PTSD and hasn't done the reading.

So, I'm working hard, praying and waiting . . .