PS: This took me an hour to type out
WHEW. Ok Deli...I am practically shaking I am SO MAD on your behalf. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO mad. Ugh. Furious.
Deli: Please don't read if you are feeling fragile. I go off in rants on how awful I think your parents treated you. I am only doing tis because I want you to see from a complete outsiders point of view what I think of it. What anyone who is looking into it sees. That I want to help validate your feelings and thoughts and experiences. NOT TO HURT YOU. But, if you feel like it might be too much, please read later. I do not want to cause any extra pain. I hope you know I sincerely care about you. A stranger on the internet.
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Originally Posted by deliquesce
thank you, jexa  .
i sent him a txt. i said sorry im difficult to connect with, that i know no one likes me in a meaningul way & that i dont want to waste his time anymore if we dont have a connection so to cancel next week's appt. he replied saying no need to apologise & that he had to tell me because that's likely how others would see me also and that he would keep my spot open if i changed my mind.
anyway, i'm giving up. if that's how people see me then so be it. i dont have the energy to keep trying anymore. i see pdoc on wednesday and will talk it over with him but he's a good person to me so he'll make it ok. |
I am going to take a different stance on what austinT said than what others have said. It is just my opinion, so take it or leave it
What I took away from what AustinT replied back to you was that he was making an observation. I don't know WHY he said it when he said it. The ONLY way you will know is to go back and ask him.
Maybe he misread your text as saying you were cancelling next week's appointment, NOT as "If you don't care about me, we shouldn't meet next week." I find that SO hard to believe. #1 because he is a T, and never has said anything (that I am aware of) that was so completely inappropriate and out of iine, and #2, a decent human being wouldn't respond that way. I truly think he thought you were cancelling and he was letting you know he was keeping a spot OPEN for you. Because he wants to see you. Because it has to be your decision not his.
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Originally Posted by deliquesce
this connecting thing. it stinks. mum used to tell me always, and her actions bore it out, that i was a "very difficult person to love" and that she "only tried because she was mother". feels like the exact same thing austin-t said; i know he wouldn't try unless it was his designated role to do so.
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Awful, awful, awful things your mum said. She was manipulating you, taking control over your emotionally. My T says to me all the time that no human being is born not needing love. Perhaps you were different from your sister in the fact that you weren't as clingy/needy towards your mom as she was. People are different. There is this family I know with an 8 year old boy and 7 month old girl. When her 8 year old was a baby, he never was clingy, and always was very independent. The mom did NOT take this personally. Some kids need more affection than others. Her 7 month old, gets super upset whenever she is away from her mom and dad. They couldn't do day care with her. They raised their children pretty much the same, and yet couldn't be more opposite. That is just their personality. I have no way of knowing that you maybe were less "needy" than your sister, or the fact that your mom trained you to believe that. Either way, there is absolutely no F*CKING reason for her to say that to you--regardless! UGH. I AM SO ANGRY
In terms of austinT, did the words "I am only trying because it is my job"? Because unless he said that specifically to you, you are infering. And we knows what happens to people who assume...right?
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Originally Posted by deliquesce
mum never liked me. a) i don't think she wanted to be pregnant when she did fall pregnant and b) she said i never needed her in a way that my sisters did. e.g., if the door slammed i wouldn't cry, whereas my middle sister would take hours to console. so mum said she always protected my middle sister more, because she was more precious and i didn't need anyone.
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Further proof that all this means is you and you sister are DIFFERENT. Do you remember any of these incidents, or just what your mum told you? Because she does not sound like a reliable source of information. ALso, no two people react exactly the same to the same situation. Again, common sense (for your mum...not you).
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Originally Posted by deliquesce
dad used to beat me up sometimes, pretty bad. so did mum too, but maybe it wasn't as bad because she didn't fly into a rage like dad did - she just did it as a matter of course (your room is messy, you're running late for school, didn't get 100% for your homework, your middle sister is crying & you're to blame etc - it always happened with mum, with dad it was less frequent but more angry). when i was 13/14 or so, dad started using knives - before then it was just punching/pushing/belts/throwing things at me. in a way it was better because i ended up less bruised - he never actually hurt me with them - but he used to hold them up against my throat or point it into my stomach and cut through my jumper just to show me he could. australia can get ridiculously hot, but i always wore layers and layers of thick clothes at home. it was ok though, because i also started cutting, so no one found out for a long time. and the cutting was good for me because it meant that dadn't couldn't do anything worse than what i'd already done to myself. unless he killed me, of course, but that would've been ok too because at least then i'd be dead.
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Ugh. I can barely make it through this paragraph, thinking what you went through. It is despicable. Horrendous. Awful. Terrifying. Frightening. Do you see how low your dad got you? To the fact that being dead was a better option than him hurting you? That breaks my heart into a million pieces, Deli. And your mum hurting you vs your dad hurting you? Hurt is hurt. Abuse is abuse. You had to deal with physical, tortous abuse from your father, and emotional/verbal abuse from your mother. The fact that you have made it so far, and so accomplished in life is incredible. Your life is meant to be something great. It is meant for you to work through all of this ***** you have gone through. You ARE meant to get through this. You ARE meant to see through the other side of it, and live life happily and content. I know it. I also plan on being by your side for as long as that takes!!! I AM a persistent folk
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Originally Posted by deliquesce
but it did scare me and i tried asking mum for help. i felt so down on myself for asking, too - deli did everything by herself, and here i was having to humble myself and ask mum for help. she sat me down when i was 12 - first day of high school - told me she'd wasted enough time being my mum and that it was my fault she'd "neglected" her other children, so now i had to look after myself and stay in my room. so i stopped having a mum when i was 12, really. if i wanted one i had to be the mature one - ask her how her day was, what her troubles were at work, etc. and i did because at least i had a mum. but it hurt me to be the kid and have to ask mum for help when i finally did. but she told me he was my father and i was big enough to deal with it on my own; i should sort it out with him. i used to point out that she would do it for my middle sister - just when he yelled (he never was physical with her) - but she said my middle sister needed protecting and that i was a hard person to love. i was allowed to stay in her house because i was her daughter, and she would always clothes and feed me, but other than that she didnt know what she had done wrong to deserve a useless and unloveable creature like me.
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UGH. MORE FURY. I can NOT believe her. TWELVE years old and you are Old enough to deal with abuse from your dad? Good lord, your mum! No wonder you don't want to reach out....you summed up all your little Deli courage to reach out to your mother, who has proved to be neglectful already, and she tells you do deal with it on your own?! Oh Deli
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Originally Posted by deliquesce
dad always said we need to stick together because no one would love me like he did. and i didn't use to believe him, surely i was going to grow up and have friends and partners who loved me, but it turns out he was right. and now i've moved out and i've cut off the one person who did love me. sure it was messy and complicated, and yes i had to ***** myself to him at times, but the times when it was good felt uncomplicated and made me feel like "this is nice". maybe i would be angry with him if there was someone else around who thought i was worthwhile, but there never was, and because i'm hard to connect with i dont think there ever will be (amongst other reasons).
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Sigh. Your dad is keeping you in such a pattern, a predictable pattern, Deli. He doesn't abuse you ALL the time, so during the good times he beats down your self-esteem and morale by telling you only he is good enough to love you. Well you know what, that is CRAP! He is exercising control over you. Plain and simple. He wants to feel worthless and unlovable because that way he will always have control over you. I am not saying he is doing this consciously, but he IS doing it. UGH. You ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE LOVABLE. Deli you are only more difficult to connect with is because of so much pain you have been put through. You NEED to hold yourself close and tight to protect yourself. It is 100% understandable.
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Originally Posted by deliquesce
i miss so much not having someone around who thinks i'm significant. if i didnt have dad growing up i would've had no one, so i'm lucky he was around, even if some of it was bad. i keep hating myself for moving out because i'm the one who severed the connection. and austin-t says im hard to connec with and guesses i always have been and therefore everyone else perceives me this way, and mum would agree, and pdoc has agreed in the past so i just feel like im fatally flawed. nothing loveable about deli. and if there isnt anything loveable then it makes sense that all the bad stuff happened, because you dont treat as precious something that isnt.
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Ok. Deep breath here, Deli. Deli, your dad may love you, but it is in such a warped abusive way. It is NOT normal. Like I said before, he has beaten you down so you think he is the only person who will ever love you. NOT TRUE. I am so proud of you for moving. It is such a positive step in the right direction.
Now...can you summon up all your adult Deli courage and print out this post....and send it/email it/bring it in a sealed envelope to AustinT or pdoc or both? Because I have a hunch that you have never said this much to them this clearly and this plainly and not holding back any feelings to make it seem more "normal." If you do this, I will send you a care package in Australia. NO JOKE. Tell me something you want/need, and I will send it, because I will be oh so proud of you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by deliquesce
see pdoc tomorrow. meds aren't working yet, and i'm frustrated because they worked so quickly (72hrs) last time. i slept most of yesterday (after i ran out of tissue boxes to snottingly cry my way through). i could sleep again but im not tired. i have uni later today - i dont want to go, but i probably should. i need to return some library books, i can't afford the fines. it's raining, else i'd sleep in the park. im open to suggestions, my ideas are out.
i think this would only work if he cared. if he doesnt care, then i'm wasting my time talking to someone who doesn't care that he messed up because i dont matter. i can see what you're saying, darkrunner, but i need to stop doubting myself with this. i spent two years with my old-therapist telling myself he didn't care but trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. he ended up being a turd. i don't think austin-t is unethical (and the last guy probably wasnt either, not deeply unethical, just borderline narcissistic) but i need to start listening to myself more, i think. i keep trying with relationships that are dead and i need to stop wasting my energy on that. austin-t has told me that what we have is dead, so no point going back and not relating.
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Ok. I can understand your thoughts on this, and if you TRULY, REALLY think AustinT is unhealthy for you, you need to move on. I get that. Now, can you still maybe go in one more time?
Also, has Austin T told you that wha tyou have is dead? Did those ACTUAL words come out of his mouth? Remember about infering and assuming??