I can't stop crying. My depression is getting worse. It's so hard to keep going with no one near me for support or feeling that anyone loves or likes me. I am in a horrible marriage, almost 29 years. I married at 15, my first child at 14 (I have 4 now). I definately lost who I was (or who I could have been)or who I am all these years. Among many things and many ways of emotional abuse my husband started an online game of putting my photo on a site and wanted me to meet someone and bring someone home. This went on for a couple of years, him asking me to do this. I never did it , it made me sick that he would even ask this of me, but I did realize that he didn't really love me and it was slowly killing me knowing this. I always stayed for the kids and because I was and still very dependent on him. Three of my children are grown and on their own now. I have a 13 yr old at home who struggles with mental illness and has been through so much since 3rd grade. Bi-polar tendencies w/ADD but still no final diagnosis. We have each other and I have to put her first and try hard not to let her see what all im going through but sometimes there is no hiding it.
I never got my drivers license, its a major phobia for me. Years of off and on counseling, never enough counseling tme to get the help I needed. Now it's not affordable or even have a way to get there. I can't even see myself ever driving but I know it's my way to happiness or at least a start, and away from this man I married. This is a huge part of why I feel so hopeless because I can't see the driving ever happening and that means I'm useless and ill never be happy and I will continue to be emotionaly abused, ignored and used, and dependent on him. It comes down to it being my fault because I am not moving forward and I don't feel I can. The fear of driving is so bad, I hate myself for not being able to be "normal" and drive like most people do.
I am sorry this is long I really needed to let this out