I know what I'm doing. It's killing me. It is making no matter what I do for the sake of my children - wrong.

I JUMP when they call.
I am doing that because my mind tells me - that's what mothers are suppose to do.
I believe that because I did not have ANY support from my 'so-called', in fact - Fact it - IT was ADDED disorder.
I feel that if I don't JUMP to my children that they will feel left alone in this world.
Like I was LEFT.
BUT, what I have allowed them to do is to call me when they NEED...
I then feel 'Okay, it's me the Mother who has to be there for them'.

I will listen. I'll ask if they want suggestions.

When their down speeling, they hang up. I never know what goes on after that, so I'm left feeling up in the air and worried.

If I didn't listen, be there for them - I'd be a bad person. I'd be a bad Mother. I'd be no mother at all.

I have been told that my children do not respect me.
I was asked if they saw me being treated that way before.
They have, by my husbands.
So, they treat me that way as well.

If I ever try to tell them anything, they get angry and end conversation.

So -

I want to be a good Grandmother.
My children did NOT have a Good Grandmother - ever.... she wanted to get from them to worship her.
Of course I didn't allow that - I kept them far from her manlipulation.

Now, to be that GOOD Grandmother, that I know I am - I HAVE to make all the moves, calls, gifts, whatever ......
My Children - do not promote ... me as GRANDMA

I have remained for my children. To let them know someone loves them.

This is what I get in return.

I am told I am a Black and White person. If they don't need me - then I just want to be gone - My job is done.

I feel that not being of any mind to them - then, well.... nothing.

NO THIS IS NOT A PITY PARTY POOR ME - This is fact, the way I've believed, the way I've lived.

I Never wanted my children to feel, go through, suffer... of course all do, cuz all have own lifes.

But my hurt was so great - I almost die, when they hurt.

When one person shuts me down, that I've been being there for - I WANT to shut Everyone down from me. I actually shut down from me.

Back to my site '"ABOUT ME" is still solid and true - WHO AM I.

But at this point - I don't care Who I am, it's a whatever.

Signed - just clarifiying.

So Daughters on her feet again. She took what she needed. I'll be shelved again.

REMEMBER - THIS IS NOT A PITY POST FOR ME - I am just explaining.