Hi Jen,

Something I always feel when reading your posts is familiarity and closeness. When you describe your anxiety and 'toughing it out' it feels just like it is happening to me.

Well done for staying put in the last attack. I regard it as a major victory if I can stay in bed when an attack comes and not have to go walking. You did good!

I wish things were easier with your sister. I have a brother that I don't see for similar reasons. Over the years I have come to think that maybe some family members are so terrified of our illnesses that they back away or deny that we are ill at all. These are well known coping strategies.

I once tested my brother. On one of our very infrequent meetings (about 4 years ago) I crossed the bounds of politeness and talked about my illness to him. As soon as I mentioned the word 'psychiatrist' he started running. We were in a car park and he walked fast away from me. I followed him and then he started to run. I ran after him and shouted 'Hey, I'm talking to you.' I managed to hold him for a little longer and then he ran again. I let him go.

There was no need for paranoia or mind reading in this situation.This guy did not want to hear about my mental illness, period, and that was the end of it. Any other subject and he would have stayed and chatted to me but I wanted to know what was really going on with him so I broke the family rule of silence.

Maybe your sister is similarly in denial - it's a thought. If so, I think that it is unlikely you will ever get through to her, these fears run so deep.

I've found that family coldness is so very often part of the picture for us sufferers, and I think we have to be glad that there are people in the world who are brave enough to listen and share with us. As for the others, well they do their own thing, and we can't change that.

Good thoughts, M