I've come to a realization today, (Or, maybe I've known about it all along but buried it so deeply that I've consciously forgotten about it)...until today.
Either way, it has lead me to seeking an understanding.

What is it about pride that prevents one from accepting one's behavior to prevent something unfavorable from happening...even when one sees it coming?
I can only relate to my own experiences, and when reflecting upon them, I can see a pattern I never was really aware of before...until today. It sorta hit me like running into a brick wall. BAM..Duhh Me.

This is in relation to the emotion of jealousy and my ability to (seeminly) convince myself into the denial of its effects. I'm left to question, "Is this fueled by pride?".

Throughout these past couple years, the subject of "my" pride has been brought to my attention numerous times, although I never paid much attention to it all those many times. I ignored it. Excused it as, "It's just how I am", sort of thing...and pass it off..again.

Today, however, for some reason, the very subject snuck up on me and bit me to stand at its attention without outside persuasions, even though the subject of discussion was jealousy at the time, (perhaps it was just time for it to click with me).

In my early teens, from the very beginning of dating, I can remember that I would not allow myself to be effected by the emotion of jealousy. Despite how I felt about the guy, I refused to show any sign of (what I perceived to be) weakness even if it meant that I'd be the one losing in the outcome.
And although I refused myself to show the signs of its effects, I'd most certainly be suffering a great deal on the inside, (heart breaking, teen traumatized..lol...the works).
During my teen love episodes, I justified those emotions as some sort of means of a battle of emotional strength in a way. Not really sure. And as soon as I sensed a situation which would call upon my emotions of attachment to be projected, before it was actually required to be expressed, I'd immediately sabotage it by creating a diversion (in this case, another drama situation to redirect it away from "my" jealousy).
During these years, I credited this behavior to my inexperience and immaturity, though not giving it any thought that it'd lead into adulthood. I thought this was normal behavior for teens, and shrugged it off without another analytical thought.

Here I am, at 51 and just now coming to a realization that there is something not right with this behavior. It wouldn't be a concern of mind if I had outgrown that behavior...lol...but, I haven't. And now I am putting the peices together of past behaviors associated with some aspects of relationships failing.

As I've said in beginning, I've been told it's my pride which is interfering with my rationalizing emotion. It stands to reason that it's very likely anymore. He is right. It IS my pride. It has to be.

How can I allow someone who IS the love of my life walk away?
Wait. No...correction: He isn't walking away. I am pushing him away. Deliberately shoving him into the arms of someone else, (which I encouraged to seek to begin with), so that I can avoid....what?
And it isn't just shoving him into the involvement with someone else. It stems in many other aspects of the relationship.

Here I am...encouraging him to find "distractions" (which I'm perfectly good with), from the chaos that I'M creating for us. And when he does actually act upon it and informs me that he's established a new friendship, however it's resulted in her falling in love with him...what do I do? Shove him even harder away..even though I'm threatened as all hell by this. Despite that it's tearing me apart inside. Hell yes I'm threatened. Of course I'm jealous...but why in God's name can't I show it to him?
So, I now create my "reasons" why she'd be better for him. How I'm "saving him" from the dispair and torement that I'm creating for him, although not intentionally.
*Some of you are familiar to my ongoing, distant relationship, therefore, you know what I'm talking about. No need to eloaborate there*

This is killing me, (and him) and I'm fully aware of it. How can I not bring myself to avail my feelings to him? I have so tried to express my feelings of concern...but each time that I begin to, I suddenly pull back..literally tell myself, "You are so weak"...resulting in, shoving harder, showing less...and possibly losing him to someone he simply is not interested in.

For the most part, I'd love to believe that I'm pretty emotionally stable, (I think I am...lol). But for some reason, I won't allow myself to let this guard down...why?
IS it pride? What AM I so afraid of?
Pride? What is it good for?

(Was sexually abused by a family member as a child, and psychologically neglected by mom throughout upbringing. Could these be links to this behavior?).

The ONLY man who TRULY loves me for who I AM, and I feel so safe with...yet....I'm shoving him away, while telling him it's for HIS best interest? This is breaking both our hearts..

Sigh.

Shangrala