(((Shangrala))) - a very well written post my friend. I wish I had the perfect answer and I'll keep thinking about this for a while because I like figuring things out lol. I think your past definitely has something to do with this. When you were sexually abused you most likely developed an 'armor' to protect yourself - "no one can hurt me". When your mom neglected you, you learned to depend only on yourself - therefore revealing vulnerability would mean, you would have to let your guard down and risk showing you're hurt. You want people to see you're strong and you associate jealously with weakness. Since you recognize this, can you try to to the opposite? What do you think will happen when you give in to this emotion?? I'm thinking it might make you remember being vulnerable as a child and this scares you - justifiably. Do you think that's whats happening? I do hope you'll get other responses because it's an interesting topic