Thanks byz for checking up on me. I am doing okay. I hate the weekends because they give me too much time to myself. Now I am back to work and coping. T sent an email instead of calling me back, said she was sorry to hear how much pain I was in.. and then said we would have to wait until Friday to talk, and to take good care of myself until then. She truly is a good T, just not the kind who wants a ton of between-session communication. That's okay with me I guess, but it does make me feel very, very lonely.

The loneliness probably triples the pain I feel when thinking about these things, thinking about the past. There is no one to tell but T in RL, and this is what is on my mind. Makes me detach, wall off. I hate this..

WePow, thanks. It is so hard to fight the guilt. Partly because I start to beat myself up for feeling guilty. And that's not healthy either. I don't know how to stop beating myself up all the time. Logically I know it's not my fault.. but then here starts the circle. The arguments from the corners of my mind seep in no matter what. The awful creeping doubts, the uncertainties, distrusting my own memory. Then anger toward myself, frustration that I am thinking these things yet again, shaking my finger at myself, "Stop feeling guilty." Then, guilt for feeling guilty. "You're prolonging your own suffering, you KNOW you're not supposed to feel this way, why can't you let this go?" Then logic returns, "It's okay to feel what you feel, you know it wasn't your fault, you can just move on from this, the guilt belongs to him." Then the doubts return. Then the circle repeats.

I just don't see the end of this. I just wish I could take this away, pretend nothing ever happened. Can someone just fix my broken family?