Junerain, thank you so very much.
I have been going through a range of emotions from a shock to heartbroken grief. I have accomplished nothing for the past 2 days. I, clearly, can barely form coherent thoughts and haven't even managed to cook for my son and husband. Thankfully, today at least, I've been better able to project "okness" to my son, because yesterday he knew something was wrong and he was worried and upset because I wouldn't share with him what was happening (we are big about talking about our feelings around here). Anyway, I am at a point, right now at least, that I just don't know what to do. She sent me a brief email this morning saying that I took everything out of context...hell, I'll copy and paste both of her emails.
1st email she sent, after I sent her a message telling her simply that she hurt me and then explained why I am not able to be around our mother.
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And as far as me not caring about how she treated us when we were younger or that I don't remember is wrong. I do remember, but I also believe that you want everyone to feel sorry for you, and I believe alot of the things you say happened you have told your self for so long that you actually believe it happened when in reality it didn't. YES I know she and my father were not the best parents and they did alot of wrong things, but it was not as bad as you make it seem. And I can also forgive people for the things they have done in the past. I don't ever say anything to you because everything hurts your feelings or makes you cry or hurts your son's feelings, so I have come to barely say what I really want to say just so I don't hurt your feelings. And I believe most your problem is the shrink your seeing, he only hears what you want him to hear and not mine or Jakes side so of course he is probably going to tell you what you want to hear. And I don't believe the family that someone grows up in turns them into who they are as adults, everyone makes there own decisions. Plenty of people come from crazy homes and don't rob banks or say they are crazy ( i don't think you are) just because of the way they are raised. Again our parents sucked but you can still be a perfectly functioning adult even with abusive and crazy parents. I believe I have made a good life I have a loving husband and great kids. So if you ever want to talk again then you can call if not I'm sorry and I do love you.
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My response:
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I'm so shocked by the things you've said that I really don't even know what to say. All I did was try to tell you how I felt and why. Its not wrong for me to have feelings and its not wrong for me to express them to you. I was very sure to not say anything mean about you or to criticize you when I sent my email, but apparently you don't care what you say to me. I love you with all of my heart sunshine. I love your children very, very much. At the risk of you making more fun of me, your email hurt me more than if you were to have just stabbed me. And bringing my son into it was very cruel. He's a little boy. I would never say a negative thing about your children, I've never even thought a negative thing about them. As far as all the things you accuse me of, I don't know how to respond. I know what is real and what is not. I'm not a failure because my childhood has effected my life. It happens to a lot of people, whether you want to admit it or not. It may be easy for you to forgive momma for the things she's done, but its not for me. I didn't ask you to stop talking to her, I just asked for you to tell me whether all family functions were going to be done like this past weekend, christmas, thanksgiving, etc was done, so I don't sit around waiting to be invited, or actually think that you may want me around for those things. I would also want you to note that I still am not attacking you. I didn't start this so I could have a chance to say mean things and hurt you. I wish you wouldn't have held in all these things you have clearly been thinking about me for so long. I've spent all this time thinking you loved me and I was your friend, as well as your sister, obviously that's not the case. I don't feel like i should try to defend everything you have accused me of, because obviously you think I am a liar, but I will point out one thing. If I wanted attention so bad that I would "make up" all the things that have happened in my life, don't you think I would actually TELL people about them? Most of the things I haven't even told Michael and you never allow me to feel comfortable enough to talk to you about them, so who am I telling stuff to get them to feel sorry for me?
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I spent about 4 hours last night crying my heart out and questioning everything about myself. According to both her and my mother, I make everything up and lie about all kinds of things. I have to wonder if I am wrong about everything? Did I forget some fantastic life I really had? If I was making things up, wouldn't I make up good things instead of horrible ones? I hate that I allow this to effect me so much, but it does. I am an absolute basket case right now and I don't know what to do. My husband and I have talked about all of this (thank goodness I have him) and he thinks she should have to call and apologize before I talk to her about any of this...
Here's the last note I got from her (I have not responded):
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Oh my God!! It would be so much easier if you just called me. I don't have a degree in English, so I suck at trying to write things. You took everything out of context. I have feelings also and that's what I was trying to say. I don't ever tell you anything because so much stuff makes you so upset. I was not doing it to be mean and was not attacking Holden. It's just alot of times I have things I would say but don't. So if you would just call me I would be able to talk to you.
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I don't even know what to do about all of this. I just keep thinking of never seeing my nephews and niece again and that kills me. But then I think of the things she's said and I cannot imagine how to just get past all of these things she thinks. She attacked my character on a very deep level.
I put all of this out here, so if you see where I've done something wrong, or said something that was unfair, please tell me. I need your honest (though, please god don't be mean, I cannot take any more attacks) assessment of this stuff. Thank you to anyone that took the time to read all of this. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
(Italics are added where I've removed my son's name)