You know, as hard as it is, it's okay so say NO to helping a family member, especially one who was abusive. Really, it is.

I can relate, my mother's family are older and need help but also quite abusive. Mom died when I was 20, and I always felt it was my job for her sake to take care of them. I have worked on this for about 15 years now, and can finally say it's not worth the emotional fallout to the people around me, myself or my relatives for ME to do the caring.

Perhaps you could help both her and yourself by problem-solving- Can your mother hire some help? Could she get assitance through a social service agecny? Another friend or connection?

There are always more options, hard to see when we feel so obligated. Take care!