I just watched a movie called Feast of Love with Morgan Freeman and an ensemble cast. I think my meds stop me from crying so the only time I usually have a good cry is when I watch a movie that really touches me deeply. This was a "little" movie, but Boy did it touch me big time. I've had a really big cry, and I'm all shakey.

In essence, and as it relates to me, the movie is about the most profound of losses of loved ones in our lives, repeated cruel rejection, the emotional shut-down and defence mechanisms of people who experience those things, and then the ultimate realisation that we need to keep our hearts open and be prepared to take emotional risks if we are to have love in our lives going forward.

That just basically sums up that whole side of my emotional life and the losses and rejections, abandonment and neglect that I have experienced my whole life. And my deep seated fears of letting people in as I have been so hurt and also because I do suffer from life-threatening mental illness so I need to protect myself and my mental health.

I have developed very strong boundaries and assetiveness skills to protect myself primarily from my family, but now I would really like to start to learn and practise having an open heart and taking emotinal risks. If I keep the door closed, no-one can ever come in.

I have one friend left and an excellent mental health team and I do trust those people, and communicate freely and openly. Of course it took time to build those levels of trust and the same must occur with new people coming into my life. I'm moving to a larger town this year and there will be many more opportunities to make friends and God Forbid, maybe a nice man!! LOL. But I've tried and fallen many times, partly because of mental illness and people rejecting me because of it, so it's scarey putting myself "out there". These are not unfounded fears as the rejections have been real, but I want to find a way to negotiate friendships or a love relationship. I'm not done yet!!