thank you notz and chris for replying here. i feel silly but it really does mean so much to me when ppl just say they're here. thank you .

i dont know if i have it in me to reply to everyone's posts individually right now, especially those of you who said stuff in detail about my previous post. on the one hand it is kind of overwhelming to read that people are angry (angry is scary) but on the other hand it is kind of... validating and gives me strength. i never told anyone when i was younger for soooo many different reasons, but they mainly centred around being ridiculed for making a big deal out of what was essentially nothing. or alternatively being "found out" for the bad person that i am, and inviting more of that hurt from someone i disclosed to. i know i've snapped at ppl here when they've tried to be supportive in the past - i'm still loyal to my folks and i don't like hearing people say bad things about them, and words like "abuse" and "crime" make me feel sick - so it means a lot that people here can recognise that dad does love me, even if it was in his own way and against my best interests. i compartmentalise lots, and i suspect that when dad is in "good dad" mode it is very difficult for him to even have access to the parts where he doesn't do good stuff.

i'm not quite so forgiving of mum, but i never really attached to her. i love her because she is my mum and i know she does what she can, but i dont feel great about her in the way that dad loves me so i can feel great about him.

but i am really sorry i've made people cautious about saying things to me, i am remorseful if i've snapped in the past and pushed you away, but i also am very very grateful that you're a persistent bunch who are willing to measure your words in order to reach me. and seriously. you have no idea how much it means that you guys have said you care. you're all so nice to me and i feel blushy and shy .

i will post about today in a separate post. my internet connection here is shaky and tends to give out whenever the wind changes.