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January · Mar 31, 2010, 01:38 AM

I have sat here looking at this empty screen and I don't know how to express my anguish in mere words. My Mom died a horrible death and eight days later, my beloved Uncle, whom I loved as a father, died also.

I was sick and was running a fever so I couldn't be around her until the night before her death and she didn't know me. I stayed away and it was all for nothing. Time wasted. Precious moments gone forever. I couldn't go see my Uncle either. No goodbyes to him.

Those of you who have known me a long time know my Mom drove me nuts, but I loved her so much. We talked every day and our relationship became closer. She was receiving rehab treatment for a broken hip and wanted to come and live with me as soon as she was better. I told her sure and was really looking forward to being with her. She didn't make it here. I come from a large family and I have known death, but nothing like losing my Mom. How do I not have a Mom?

Then there is my Uncle. We talked all the time and he tried very hard to cram as much wisdom in my head as he possibly could. Oh I miss him. I miss him.

I haven't had time to sit and mourn. I have never, ever felt so ultimately, totally alone in this huge universe. My two life lines are gone. They are just gone...

I hear my Mom calling me when I sleep and I can't find her or I wander in my dreams calling her name and I can't find her.

My brother has a very take charge attitude and he's working at getting rid of Mom's estate as soon as possible. He loved my Mom dearly, but his way of grief is to get rid of everything and mine is to cherish the things left behind. I am left out of everything as far as he is concerned and I don't know how much more of it I can take. Every time I try to ask something or do something, my brother is infuriated and I'm having PTSD flashbacks because it's like dealing with my bio father, who was a mean and nasty abuser.

I am so angry at my brother. The day Mom died he threatened violence to my son and while he hasn't done anything but yell since, I am afraid and I loathe myself for being afraid. I have a head injury and if he hits me, I could easily never recover all the progress I've made and I loathe my cowardice.

I have some major health problems. Since Mom and my Uncle died, I developed an ulcer within a week and my ulcerative colitis has been out of control every day since. My gastro Dr. had to run the big tests on an emergency basis and I was in the ER. My Dr. told me at an emergency work-in appt on Monday, the stress is eating me alive. I am on three new medicines that have made me even more sick than before Monday. I can count on one hand what food I can barely eat and I'm dehydrated terribly.

I was to go visit my son and his family over the holiday. It's a long drive. My pdoc and t urged me to go and I was going even though I was sick, but the Gastro Dr. told me I'm not able to travel anywhere right now. With the addition of the new meds which are making me sick as I try to adjust to them, I'm definitely not able to travel.

All of you who have posted in this forum are so brave. I am so sorry for all your losses and your pain. If you have read this, I thank you and wish you well.

Jan