thanks everyone! feels so good to have people who understand! CJR, I don't know if it is comforting or not that after 3 years you still have "those days!" :-) I feel for you!
It really did change everything for me. I had this, perhaps idealistic view (call me immature, but I always preferred romantic!) that he and I were somehow special, what we had was not like a "normal" relationship - it was better. People would comment on our connection, how much he clearly loved me etc. Even when talking to a friend about our "rough patch" (didn't mention details, as she is a good mutual friend) she replied "well at least he didn't cheat on you - he would never do that, you know." I can still smile ironically at that.
Last night I dreamed again that I asked him for divorce - but said if he really wanted me I would reconsider. A friend in the dream asked why I wasn't crying, I replied, "I am past crying, I've cried enough over the years for this."
I woke feeling sad, but muted sad, like I know my heart is too strong to be broken, but maybe something else was broken that can't ever be fixed - my youth, my romanticism, my unfailing belief in him, my world view. He made me imagine that there is choice of a life apart. I never could imagine that before. The only thing that would have separated us would have been death or imprisonment (even then we used to joke how we would break the other out and go into hiding together.) Now I feel like I am the one who can end this, I am strong enough to do it. The question is, do I still believe in our love? If this dies, it will be because I stopped believing. That is what makes me sad. That I could give up on this, on him. I could walk away. And that means that everything we thought we believed in was simply not true. We were caught up in a childish fantasy and all those high ideals of love and ever after were foolish dreams.
Does doing this require my heart to be strong, or simply hard?
I don't want to do something I will regret for the rest of my life.
Walk away or stay?
Does he love me or doesn't he?
Worth it or not?
who knows................