i'm a derrr brain, i forgot to write about what happened today.

went to pdocs. it kind of sucked. i hunch over so much when i get depressed - curl up into myself - and pdoc didn't see me when he first got into the waiting room. he came back two minutes later and was like "woah, there you are" and told me today we're going to practice sitting up straight.

the session sucked, i wasn't responsive. pdoc tries really hard with me, and he knows that i listen when he tells me stuff about him, so he told me about the jobs he did when he was a uni student. he was pretty grunge!! he smoked a lot and he drank heaps and he worked as a bartender making cocktails. it's weird that this is the guy sitting in front of me with a suit and tie on.

he told me stories about didier (the plastic gorilla) and he brought out max (the one i gave him) and made him do a dance. and my phone started vibrating and he told me there was a little cow stuck inside my bag. he tried so hard to cheer me up.

he said there's no way than austin-t doesnt want to help me anymore. he said they spoke two weeks ago and austin-t had been committed to helping, and that he's not a flake. but he said austin-t has run out of juice and maybe i need to give him something more to work on. pdoc said it had been difficult for him gaining my trust, because he was flying blind. he did a 6 month rotation on a ptsd inpatient ward and learned a lot, but even that wasn't enough to help him know how to tread with me. and he said he'd told austin-t about all of this last time they'd spoken and given him the heads up that it would be slow. but he said maybe austin-t is used to working with people who are begging for his help, not people like me who are still deciding whether he's ok or not. he told me austin-t worked for an international sports team (a huge one, i was like ) as their personal trainer/psych coach for a long time before he left and travelled a bit and then joined here. so he said maybe austin-t is very "go! go! go!" and is trying to push even harder because his experience has been that pushing harder yields results.

he said we need austin-t because austin-t has a different skill set that's helped me so much in the past. he said that if i'm slaying dragons then austin-t is the sword and pdoc is my shield and armour. he said that sometimes swords break when you've fought hard (and i've just finished uni) and you have to send them to the forge but that good armour stays always and because pdoc is my protector he's going to take care of me. he said i could take a break from austin-t but that i had to trust pdoc that we were keeping austin-t on the team and that austin-t wanted to stay. pdoc tried to get me to look at him at this point - it was so scary, eye contact is scary - because he said i needed to look at him to trust him. so i covered my face and peeped between my fingers and i nodded but he looked really sad and then i felt bad. he said i shouldnt hide my eyes because only some people have eyes that are special and i was blessed with beautiful eyes. that sounds so cliche but a lot of people tell me that - there's not a lot of pigment in them so i think it's just an odd colour for my type of skin. pdoc told me that by the time we're done he's going to have me not wearing a fringe anymore and no more glasses. and sitting up straight .

oh, triggers henceforth. be warned.

i'm rambling. i'm rambling because i'm trying to remember the nice stuff and ignore the crap stuff where it felt like i was in so much pain and pdoc was putting on his good humour act again. he told me to increase my med dose and i told him i'd rather swallow the whole box & be done with life, and he told me a recipe for a cocktail to take with it because then i would feel really drunk. i know that sounds waaay beyond negligent, but this is how pdoc gets. i think it's hard for him to switch gears from trying to cheer me up to being serious and just whump, yknow? he's a good doctor. but i could barely look at him when i left. it wasn't his fault - i was just feeling so down and feeling like everything i've tried so far has been difficult and i dont want to keep trying, and here he is trying to get me to keep on keeping on with a smile on my face.

i went home afterwards (real home). i have a box of meds which i've just been stashing over the years. i've been through 13 types so far, so whenever we've switched i've just kep the remainder. but then i found the print out i was going to give pdoc (i wrote it out first then got embarrassed so i printed it out instead) and i thought i might as well because i do still trust him, and right now i'm beyond caring whether it makes a dent to him or not. usually i try to protect myself from indifference but at the moment i thought indifference could at least help me gather the strength to call it quits. so i wrote up a stupidly honest letter on the reverse of the print out and dropped it off at the medical centre. i dont know when he works there, but he'll get it when he does. it makes me feel ill when i think about it now (yikes i dont even know if his reception opens his mail for him) but i didnt write my name on it so at least that's ok.

i feel like filth for writing that letter, giving him the printout. i really, really do. and it's a long weekend on fri through to mon, so if he doesnt get it tomorrow i'm going to feel sick. but the other thing is maybe he's already read it and just didnt think it was important enough to respond to. i didnt ask for a reply. god i hope he has the sense to acknowledge it, but who knows.

im sorry ive rambled so much. i know none of this is very important, but im trying so hard to think about the good stuff pdoc did today so that i dont think about what an *** i was in the session and also what a **** i was afterwards by sending him that letter. i cant help but think that he's going to think that im pushing boundaries or something. ive never been allowed to write or anything, and even our txts i try to keep strictly business (and i beat myself up when i dont) so i feel gross that ive done this now.

but i havent been stewing too much because more than anything right now i just feel a bit numb, and i hope this numbness lasts a long time. pdoc said he was going to talk to austin-t again and sort things out because he's not going to let me pull the plug on austin-t, and i just feel gross and like im in a lot of trouble. i dont want to be a hassle and i think ive made myself into one.

enough thinking though. i'll let myself be a mess if i dont hear back from pdoc tomorrow night, but otherwise im going to go to bed now and go to uni tomorrow and stop thinking.