I can be totally honest here and that's the only reason I post this today. Definite trigger so please, please don't read on if you're vulnerable right now.
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I rarely start new threads, but obviously this is my 3rd new thread in the last couple days. Sorry for that. I can't tell anyone else this right now. To be honest, I am so fed up with this mental illness thing that my sui urges are really, really strong right now. They have come and gone for the past 2 weeks but this morning is really strong. I can't call T... already told me she'd make me go to the hospital and I understand that she's obligated as I would be if one of my patients told me what I would tell her. I get it. I don't tell my family these things because I don't want them knowing the dark side of the illness. I'm just not comfortable. In the back of my mind I know that it's part of the game and it should pass but even when I feel well I think about sui quite often. It's just that I'm so drained mentally and physically. It's hard to hang on when you feel that way, which I know most if not all of you understand. I am only going through the motions of life and not getting anything out of it... I feel nothing positive it seems. I don't really feel anger and those types of negative emotions but feeling nothing seems to be worse. I still go to work every day and coach high school softball but it's dull. I hate it and I'm totally over it. I am usually apathetic about life vs. death in that if I live, great, if I die, great. Today I don't want to live. That's not typical for me and it's very painful and very frustrating. I just wanted to post and get it out there so someone else knows. I'm off to work (should be interesting). I'm just going to keep going through the motions but it's hard to stay safe when you actually don't want to. I need a break!!!!! Thanks for reading if you made it this far!!!