You don't have to be sorry for starting a new thread...that's what the group is for! I know how you feel and it's an awful feeling. Can I ask why you are against going to the hospital? I've been several times and it's nice to be somewhere that you don't have to put on a mask or go through the motions. It's a relief to be able to just be yourself. It also might be the break you are looking for. You're allowed to shut down and just rest, mentally and physically.

I do know that I felt that way for most of my teenage years but I was too afraid to tell anyone, and I was afraid to be in the hospital, since I'd never been in one. I can tell you that I wish now I hadn't been so afraid, because I could have been diagnosed and been started on treatment sooner. I know you are already diagnosed, but maybe you need a med change?

In the end, please do what you need to do to feel safe. If you absolutely refuse to go to the hospital, is there anything else you can do? Can you take a couple of days home from work and relax? A couple of times when I was thinking about not wanting to live, but I didn't intend on going through with it, I got a hotel room for a couple of days and went down and swam in the pool, sat in the hot tub, looked through magazines, got room service...I didn't have a lot of money, but I was able to scrape up enough for a "vacation". Take care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing. Here is a special hug for you: