You have been through so much in the las few weeks. No wonder you are hurting and feeling like life isn't worth it. I totally get that.

At the risk of sounding unsupportive, do you think the hospital might be the break you need right now? When I am depressed to the poing of sui thoughts/plans, I tend to not understand how low I reall am until I am feeling better. Last summer, it was the hospital stays that helped me get to that point. I realized recently that although I am not where I want to be mentally that I actually value my life now.

I understand that you feel apathetic either way usually, but to me that seems like a level of depression too.

Think of all you have gone through and how strong you are in making decisions for your life. Maybe a short stay in the hospital is another strong decision you need to make right now. I am not pushing. I would just really hate to see this pain continue.

Can you call your T and have a conversation about what you are going through with the promise that your T will help you make a decision for yourself rather than having her "make" you go? Can you ask her for extra support right now if you really don't think you need the hospital?

Please be safe. I understand it is hard to want to be safe, but do you think that could be a deep-down cry for help from your brain? You know that if you do something unsafe that you will end up at the hospital anyway, or worse.

I remember you were there for me last summer through all my irrational suicidal posts. I just hope I can give back some of that support.

I am worried about you.