Thank you so much to all of you. I should clarify that have been in the hospital 2 times, both in 2008 pretty shortly after I was diagnosed. Both time were at the same place and it was really nice because it was a private psych hospital and there was no ER or anything else involved. I walked in and was admitted. The biggest thing for me is that I was in Philly then and away from my family. When I'm ill (mentally or physically) I want to be left totally alone. I felt like there I could go in and relax and decompress and regroup and restart and I never had to see my family. I would talk to them but never had to worry about having them visit. Here in Ohio, my whole family is right here. Even if I went to the private hospital up north it's still only about 90 minutes away so they'd still come visit. It's just a comfort thing for me. It would be worse to be in the hospital with my family around than to be, well, the alternative.

That all being said, I left after I posted this morning and just being able to get the feelings off my chest was helpful. I had a productive work day so that's always a plus. I was short-tempered with a coworker today but I went aside and clamed down and apologized, letting her know I had a lot going through my head and the snapping at her was not meant for her. It wasn't personal. She thanked me so I just needed to make sure there was no hostility. I don't want enemies!!! All in all I'm still here. I didn't call T, though I thought about it. I see her Friday and I don't like calling people. I see pdoc on Tuesday. I am in the midst of a lot of med changes but I was feeling better then all of a sudden wham!!! again!!! The only thing that worries me sometimes is that I already have a plan and the means. It's fool-proof. I haven't yet been willing to give the plan up to anyone. I fear someday it may be an impulsive decision and then it'll be too late. Not sure, but I can see that happening. For now though it's still one foot in front of the other and a day at a time and all that. Thanks again for your support!!!!