thank you for your honesty, dfh. i think it's nice that your H would like you, all of you, if you only showed him. it sounds really complicated if he is hurting for some reason too. is it safe where you are? like, even if there is a disconnect and a lot of hard work, is it at least safe? or is that what you mean by your H being kind of broken too?

im sorry if my q's are too personal. tell me and i'll back off. but i appreciate your honesty so much .

thanks for this interpretation, pachy. to me it is actually safer when i don't see pdoc/austin-t aren't as perfect beings, when i can see that they have their shortcomings also. i think this particular comment was difficult because it's been said to me so often in the past that it becomes a case of being my shortcoming instead.
i think what you're saying could be right though too - that it's partly his shortcomings also. i think that's what pdoc was trying to say yesterday. that makes it a lot safer for me to return if i can think "Austin-t doesnt know how to deal with me because i present a challenge he's not used to dealing with" rather than "i've always been a difficult person and here's another person who's wiping their hands of me".

thank you dark runner. i got rid of some of the meds last night - a lot of them had passed expiry. ive kept the ones which are still ok, just because my meds change all the time & it's a bit of a ping pong to predict which ones i'll be using next. they cost a lot of money (for the government) so i don't think it's right to throw them away and possibly need them again in the future and then have to get a refill. i understand where you're coming from, though. truth be told however i don't really need a stash of meds if i was hell bent on hurting myself. my current med (and MAOI) and a bottle of soy sauce would do the trick.
i am scared about pdoc calling back. i made him promise before that if he wanted to get rid of me he had to call me and let me know on a voicemail, and he promised, so i'm scared. but then i started thinking it's better to know over the phone where i'm safe rather than next week if i see him and maybe not be safe. i know that's sucky thinking (kind of) but it feels real to me also. it would make sense to me if he wanted to hurt me because of what i wrote in my letter.
but i also think that maybe pdoc won't hurt me because he didn't do it last year when i told him stuff about dad, so maybe he won't. he was nice to me last year so maybe he'll be ok this time also. i don't know. but i think if he calls again then maybe i'll pick up so i can find out for sure.
thank you for telling me about the boundaries thing. when i first started seeing him i was very careful to never contact him between sessions - we used to see each other every 3 months and even if i really needed him i made sure i waited those 3 months before i said anything. so it's scary because i don't know if it's right to contact him now. he gave me his number a while back but it still is difficult to know how much is too much. but i feel more ok about the letter now, thank you. i'll fret about the phone calls at a different time .

this does help, actually, thank you!

thank you for saying all of this, willow. i'm so scared of indifference i guess that it doesn't occur to me that people don't post for other reasons. in my head there are many people who read this thread (or whatever i post) and just go "eh..." and move onto a different thread. i feel really vulnerable putting myself out here. ive never really thought that what i write might resonate with other people, so im touched if something i say connects with you also. that makes me feel nice to know you are reading even if you don't say anything now. but for what it's worth i've also really appreciated your posts to me in the past; i remember them even if you don't post frequently.

yes, i really liked what he said with that, it does work so much within the context of how we all work together. and it meant so much when he said he was the shield & armour - i've said before that pdoc is my protector - but to hear him say the same thing made me feel good to know he sees himself the same way. he returned to the metaphor later in the session and fleshed it out more, and then he got embarrassed and told me he used to be one of those "dungeons & dragons" kids, so maybe he was letting his enthusiasm get a bit ahead of him (he had started getting all technical about warring strategy). pdoc's really cute when he blushes.

thank you everyone for helping me through this. i thought i would be more of a mess but i think i did most of my crying on monday after seeing austin-t. i feel nice that i could give pdoc that note even after our crappy session, it means i still trust him heaps. not sure about his response, and im scared about next week, but thankfully it's easter this weekend and uni goes on break for a week, and it's sunny today so i'm feeling more ok.