thank you jex & googley & farmergirl . i understand not feeling good and therefore not posting (and also the OCD type checking, jexa. 75% of the views on this thread are probably from me). chris - you're a rebel for outsmarting PC's censorship program . googles - today is sunny so i'm not in the hermit mood, but i think we should set up an abode for an "if the mood strikes" fall back; thank you for letting me share hermitage with you .

um. pdoc called back.
he salled "hello, deli, it's dr pdoc" and i said "i know" and groaned and he asked me if now was a good time to talk. i was under my table and eating chocolate so i told him so. he said it sounded like i was having a better day than he was.
he said he received my letter this morning and that it contained a lot of things he had only ever guessed at, and then many more things he didn't even dream of. he said he had been concerned about a lot of things but this just gave him more to keep in mind. i said i was sorry and he said not to be, that he was so thankful that i gave him that. he said he was really sorry about our session yesterday - that when he doesn't know what's going on he justs tries everything, so he'd talked what austin-t up and he talked it down and he tried to dismiss it and he tried to fix it and that he didn't have a clue what he was doing but he was hoping that some of it might stick. he said he really hates doing that but it's what he has to do when he doesn't know what's going on. i had never thought about it like that and i really really was sorry for it, but he said he knows it's a trust issue and that it was ok - no guilt because i'm trying my best. and he said he knows he can help me, and i know he can help me, so we'll figure it out together and he was proud of me and esteemed me more for writing what i did.
and then he got into his tangential pdoc talk and said he noticed i used a smaller font than usual and he laughed at that, and he also said he's never seen someone with such obsessive perfectionist writing as i did. and i told him how difficult it was for me - how i'd written it out and then been embarrassed, so i had typed it up and that i wanted a smaller font but i would also be embarrassed by that because i know he would notice and he said i was a hoot and deserved a prize. pdoc's never seen my writing before (and what i handed him yesterday was pretty bad for me, usually it would have been a lot better) so he said it was like finding out this whole other part of me he had never known.
he told me he got now why things were so difficult with austin-t when he'd said what he did. and he said that he was lucky (pdoc) because he had my letter, but austin-t was a poor bastard who was flying blind also and didn't have a clue he'd buggered up as much as he had. so he said we had to cut austin-t some slack and so i agreed. i've really really never thought that pdoc found it difficult too and was just trying everything he could think of, so maybe austin-t is the same.
pdoc said the he knows that it's his note and he doesn't want me to be afraid but that maybe one day austin-t could maybe have a chance to read it. but pdoc said he would never give it to him because it's pdoc's note, and he wouldn't do it unless i said ok, and that we could talk about it later - not to decide for today. but he said maybe it would give austin-t an idea of what's going on and that pdoc esteemed austin-t so much (and he really really does, i know they're in love) so austin-t would be quick on the uptake too.
pdoc said all the disgust and shame i felt about myself are normal for a child and young adult who had grown up in the circumstances i had. that was so good to hear. he said it's not that i'm unloveable but that i had been disconnected. he didn't say whether it was my fault or not, maybe i can check next week. but he said again that what i had written only made him think more highly of me. he told me not to be afraid, that he was sticking around. he said that often "dont be afraid, deli".
i think the call was wrapping up and we agreed we'd meet next wednesday and he told me he was keeping the letter for him (i'd asked him not to put it in my file and to throw it if he couldnt think of what to do) and i was going to hang up and then he kind of rushed out that he wanted to keep me for a minute more if that was ok.
and i said ok. and he said the last paragraph of what i wrote, and he read out the bit "i miss so much not having someone around who thinks i'm significant." - he said he's around and he thinks i'm significant, and i'm not unloveable, and he's going to stay with me because that's just how it is. and he said that he suspected that he was more of a father figure to me than my own dad was, and that he was honoured and proud to be so. he said again he's sticking with me and he's going to help me and not to be afraid. and at some point during this i had started crying, and he said he's never heard me cry before and said it was a wonder that i would, and then in typical pdoc fashion he burst out with one of his jackass pdoc laughs. he's so ridiculously inappropriate at times but i love him for it.

i felt so held when he said the last bit. i'm so grateful that he chose to say that, because i know he kind of hesitated and blurted it out somewhat. i dont really know what to say, but i wanted to type all of that out while i remembered (i have to rush to uni now), because i know it's important. im so lucky i have pdoc. and that i have persistent folk here on pc who understand that pdoc is special and encourage me to reach out when i'm pushing him and even all of you guys away. thank you for helping me do this .