Thank you cookiedough, all of our problems are important big or small we do need to support each other as you said. Right now in this deep depression I feel I don't have even my kids, I mean for support or even loved by them sometimes. When I feel ok I know they love me and support me but right now I feel there is no one. I put on a happy face when they are around. They really don't know how bad I am right now. They know I am depressed but not the extent of it. I never tried to leave my husband but threatened to a few times. I have started a savings for myself but I am scared he will find out then he will close our joint account which is where my check and his check go to. It comes down to me getting the strength and my mind in better shape to do what is needed (leave him). I need to be stronger for my daughter and myself, I am trying. I have gotten stronger in many ways over the years but still need more work. I have my 13 yr old daughter at home, the other 3 are on their own. What I wish for is for him to leave. He did leave before...thats another long story but he begged to come back and I let him wallow in it for a while before I let him back...I regret it though, He is now worse than he ever was. I was beginning to feel alive during those months and even calling around about driving lessons, only calling around but it was something.