I've been depressed and on anti depressants for a year and a half, after a suicide attempt. when it happened i dropped out of school, left the country and went away for a couple months. I returned got back in school, got a boyfriend. But I lost all my friends.. I've slowly pushed everyone away. Not on purpose, I just spent all my time with my boyfriend. He has no problem going out with his friends, but I'll just sit at home. I have no one to call when I'm crying, no one to call when I want to go get food or a movie other than him.

I'm off to university next year and I was so excited to decide, my dad came over and flat out told me he didnt think i was mentally stable enough. I've had problems with my parents for awhile but everything was starting to work out again, but now I have that empty hole in my chest that just can't seemed to be filled. I'm mean to my mom when she tries so hard, and it hurts me but I can't help it. I go from laughing to on the verge of tears in an instant. My boyfriend invited me over for dinner at his house, and I declined. I don't know why I decline, because I knew my mom was out tonight. I guess maybe I was hoping he would push me into talking about why I wasn't going, so I didn't have to ask for help if he was offering it first. I couldn't bring myself to change my mind and go with him even though he said I was more than welcome, even though we both knew I'd be eating a bowl of cereal in a dark kitchen; if i ate at all. The minute he left I couldnt stand it, i just collapsed in tears as this emptiness just started taking over. I was crying because I want to be a kid again, i want to be nice to my mom. I so badly need help but i can't bring myself to ask for it from anyone. I sat here crying alone in a dark bedroom for an hour, I'm ashamed to call my boyfriend, and there is no one else. Crying because I hate feeling like this. Just about everything. I'm moody and I hate it, inside i feel trapped, its like depression took over again and i can't be myself. I'm so scared I'm going to push my boyfriend away, even though we are breaking up for university anyways. The thought of not having him is terrifying, because then I really will be all alone.

I'm in grade 12 and I don't go out on weekends unless he asks me. I'm embarrassed that i spend all my time alone staring out the window, i wish i had places to go but i dont. I used to be so social, going out to parties every weekend, calling lots of people tons of different friends. I havent gone out on a weekend since new years, unless its to his house to watch a movie, usually a saturday night when hes still hungover from the night before.
I even have a therapist but i dont know what to say. i just dont know how to ask for help. Why would I deliberately set myself up for a lonely night again? It just hurts so much inside.