pdoc is safe but i'm still not sure about austin-t. it really did feel like he was saying "i'm not going to bother to try with you anymore" last time.

pdoc said he would fix things, but i'm too wary to talk to austin-t before pdoc makes it safe again. i feel bad that i rely on pdoc so much for this stuff, but i'm lucky he's good to me that way. i don't think i can face austin-t without pdoc making it safe. i feel like scrunching up into a ball everytime i think of austin-t; he's become so scary.

i looked at austin-t's message again - it says "i will hold your appt". i just want to know whether it means he's still expecting me, or if he's just keeping it open but doesn't really expect me to come. i don't want to say anything, but if he's expecting me i should tell him i'm not coming this week. but then he'll want to know whether i'm cancelling forever, and i'm scared to talk to him more with pdoc making it safe first. so i don't really know what to do.

i feel ashamed that i'm so crap and awkward with this.