For me, I think it is part of the hypervigilance of PTSD. It's almost like I STILL can't let my guard down, all of these years later. I think I'm afraid on some level that if I just soften up inside, and forgive myself, and admit that it wasn't my fault, I might get hurt again.

It feels frustrating to me, because there is this intellectual part of my brain that *knows* it's not my fault. I see little girls and there is NO WAY I would point the finger at them in the same situation, not in a million years. But the emotional part of my brain fights that, and fights it hard. And the battle between the two gets me stuck in a total spiral of rumination.

Sometimes, now, I can let myself believe - REALLY believe - that it wasn't my fault, and there is a lot of sadness and grief that goes along with that...but a lot of freedom and hope as well. It's hard for me to stay in that place for very long, but I'm working on it.

Be gentle with you. This stuff takes TIME.