Quote:
Originally Posted by farmergirl
Tree used the word "faith". I really think that is what we have to do. We have to trust and have faith in these people that we are talking to. That's something that has to come from within. There's no test for that. It's hard for us to do because we've been let down so many times before, but that person sitting across the room is there to help us, to be our listening ear, our confidant. We have to have faith in that person, that process.
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It definitely is a leap of faith, but how do you get that faith?! I have no clue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chronic
Velcro, I could have written this myself! I am at exactly the same place with my T
Deep down I know that T will be ok with the "real stuff", that he will still be there, that he will support me, and that he will not reject me, but just the thought of telling him what is going on right now fills me with fear. Sometimes I sit there and physically cant get the words. Part of me wants to tell him, but I just dont know HOW to say it. He says I have to take a leap of faith with him, so that he can prove bad things wont happen with him. Easier said than done.
I do the same as you with emails- open up more and am more expressive, but when it comes to TALKING to him I freak out. I print it out then cant get the words out when I am there. I really feel for you. T always jokes with me about this, when I say I cant tell him, he says its like I am saying "I come to a talking therapy, and you actually want me to TALK to my therapist?!"
Sorry, no advice but I am right there with you. I hope you and T can talk about this and find a way forward. Its tough  |
Thanks, Chronic
THe bolded part...is something I dont know if I know. That is what is holding me back, the fear that she will get mad or annoyed or think I'm stupid...SOMETHING. I don't exactly know what.
She said that it is deeply ingrained in me that if I share my feelings, that someone will either get mad or upset at me, and I have the feeling of "whats the point." So true. What IS the point?! I know intellectually, but it is hard to feel it.
This is the email I wrote her that I just could not read out loud in session. (I didn't actually send the email, just printed it out)
I have spent all day trying to convince myself NOT to write you. I even wrote in my journal, but my brain won't shut up. You know how today you said that I make life more difficult for myself? I agree with you, but it makes me feel like I'm failing at therapy....again. I feel worthless. I don't want it to be so hard for me to talk about stuff. Something has shifted though, because while there still is a lot of silence, and I still feel like running straight out the door when it gets hard, my mind isn't a complete blank anymore. Today was the first time since probably the summer i graduated that I felt anything other than detachment towards what happened. I was really sad and angry at what my mom couldn't provide. I don't know how to talk about that, and it is scary. Just like I couldn't talk about me crying in bed a few weeks ago. It was too real, and as you know, I need to back away from those feelings before I can talk about them. I just am afraid to open myself up, feel
the fear and sadness, and then be left alone with that. It is me alone that has to deal with that at night.
The bolded part is especially what I am scared of. That she is going to get upset that I am making her feel like a bad T or something.