Wow, thanks everyone so much! I PC! Your responses are really helping me think this through.

Those of you who made comments about "loss of control," that really resonates with me, a lot. It's not just "I don't like the truth" although that is a part. I don't like this gross and disgusting lump of memory in my brain at ALL. But what resonates more.. it is very much like.. if I stay weak and everything is my fault and I am poor pitiful jexa, then I won't be surprised if something bad happens and it's not really so bad anyway because I expected it. The worst part of pain is the shock of being blindsided.. but I won't be shocked if something happens, I'm ready. A part of me does want to place the blame on him because it hurts me a lot to keep blaming myself. And I truly do want to be strong again, which I can't be if I stay so full of shame. But I can't accept that because if it was my fault, and everything is my fault, and I expect bad things to happen, then nothing will shatter my world like trauma did before because my world has stayed shattered. Being strong, relinquishing self-blame, means rebuilding my sense of self.. but I don't want to rebuild because I don't want to have anything to lose. I don't want to have anything that anyone could take away.

Like you said, tree.. if it stuck, then someone could hurt me. And it would hurt so badly because I'd finally sewn things up. I'd rather leave the wound open than have someone tear out the sutures later. I just don't want to have anything to lose..

This still doesn't feel like the whole picture. Anyone else feel this way and care to expand?